Rain Relentless

relentless is the rain today

in the backyard of my mind

as my thoughts try to wrap

around the wetness since

they cannot dry out...

I see the drops falling

hear them landing

on the ground

and in puddles

large and small while

small rivers flow down

through the sloping terrain

and into the mind

of a nearby neighbor...

rain betrays the senses

as water-logged feelings

float away...   out of sight

and into the creeks and

streams of adjacent attitudes;

mentalities blend carefully

with the liquid as they

penetrate the souls of our

consciousness and drown

our feelings we had hoped

would be around forever...

the rain admits nothing

as it falls and delays

the arrival of all that we

thought would be dreamed.

3 October 2021

Fourteen Seen

fourteen homes sprawled out in front of me

do I look upon each morning when I am of

a mind to sit out here...  and, of these houses

I see only the roof tops or windows and some

brick and must conclude...  in an assuming way...

that it must be a house I see...  but, those I see

clearly are still too far away for me to peek

inside their windows and see more than I should;

fourteen homes sprawled out in front of me

and only mine is full of trees and bushes

as all the other owners do not want to be

bothered with fall cleaning and all the leaves...

even thought they provide shade and a few

habitats for creatures that many of us watch

standing in front of our windows...  as they

play around in the yard and are chased by cats

back into an unrestored area of trees and thorns;

fourteen houses does not our community make

as there are many others and many streets

on which both sides homes like there were built,

but even with all these houses, even fewer

trees were planted...  and, even fewer people

ever have the desire to come outside and play

in all the fresh and reassuring air each day;

fourteen houses provide us with a sense of

community as is the case with most of these

rural neighborhoods...  but this one is not

like all the others and while peoplle are

relatively friendly when spied outside, few

if any every go out of their way to be friendly./

3 October 2021

An Imaginary Land

an overcast sky clouds my judgement

everywhere...  rain falls to the ground

newly sewn grass seed enjoys the day

as do the trees and bushes... old and young;

the splattering of rain announced the day

and its on-going nature indicates a long 

one, making itself known in this valley...

brown green grass is now brightt green

bent over trees now stand taller

wet chairs on the deck cannot dry out

but provide comfort for those animals

who have managed to find dry ones;

a breezeless morning permits the fog to

collect and lay like blankets on the ground,

squirrels sit on the edge of branches

hesitating to collect nuts in the rain

even though it falls so intermittantly now;

rabbits sit in carved out ditches surveying the

land with which they have become familiar

ever since the cats got too old and fat to chase

them into the wooded areas that provided

more protection than in the open...  none

of the hummingbirds yesterday are here

today, leaving behind motionless feedeers

on which none of the larger birds can sit

and I sit and watch it all from inside the

safeety of my screened-in back porch

that stands like a lighthouse carefully

situated on my own imaginary land.

3  October 2021

Retirement

the mental cave in which I dwell

protects me from the public who

I care not to be around these days

as they are cruel and unforgiving

in their personalities and in the way

they have decided to live their lives;

no longer do I venture into the marketplace

and swap lies with thosee who claim to be

my friends as the falseness and hypocrisy

around which they live their lives is

no longer of any interest to me...  I cast

my shadow on my own walls and in

my own timeand in my own way and take

credit for that which I create...  but only that;

the emotional roller-coaster on which we

we all have ridden from time-to-time

no longer stops at my station and no

longer do I pay a fee for mental abuse at

the hands of others...  who have only one

purpose in life and that is controlling others

who cannot fit on all the rungs of the ladder;

the joy I felt was non-existent no matter

how hard I tried to create it...  and, in time

the bitterness I had for others began to

direct me against myself...  and, in so

doing created the person with whom

I can no longer identify and am no longer

pleased to see in the morning when I awake.

2 October 2021

A Faint Memory

no music plays within our homes

no music plays in our streets

we transport ourselves on soundless trains

or in electric vehicles driven by robots;

we eat rehydrated packaged food and

drink liquid from metal bottles,

living in a honeycomb of apartments

not much bigger than a prison cell;

our eyes are merely slits in our heads

our ears cosmetically removed

our mouth is an opening large enough for a straw

our nose is pushed in flast against our face

we have no neck of which to speak

our bodies are cigar like in appearance

we walk on feet that are more like landing

pads of those alien spacecrafts that

patrol our skies so frequenly nowadays;

there is no marriage...  no divorce

no children that complicate our lives

we are merely drones, unable to speak

whose consciousness has been removed

yet we are allowed to exist...  in some sort

of guarded environment to prevent

revolts and revolutions that may arise,

from those not as content as us;

for countless years we have existed

with no future or past of which to speak

nor which we can remember...  but, a

melody crosses over into our minds

from whence we know not where it comes.

2 October 2021

Remnants of Words

my ears drown in the music of the sixties

my thoughtss wanter aimlessly in all directions

my eyes penetrate deeply into my consciousness

my mind staggers as if on some drunken binge

words cut and pierce...  drawing blood...

hurt runs rampant inside repressed feelings

the domain of secrecy sits in the front row of an open air concert

time compresses itself into an eighteenth century snuff box

life's game plays out in empty stadiums and vaccinations

are mandated by those in power because they can;

mental weeds grow unrepentantly in the holy gardens

of our conditioned imaginations as we surf the

internet for clues on how to eliminate them from growing,

we cook meals on gas stoves and ovens making sure

all the onions are peeled first before being sauteed

with mushrooms and spinach in extra virgin olive oil

like the women for which we searched in high school;

mindful lyrics, recently disappeared, tell the

stories of all our crimes, endlessly perpetuated in

our juvinile fantasies...  written down in composition 

books and filed in cabinets, stored in the back rooms

of our subconscious basements where life began

and ended each day when awaken from our sleep;

temporary housing became the repository for our

angry words and expressions that were so colorfully

expressed by the way we dressed and behaved.

1 October 2021

Cool Winds

cool winds blow underneath my thoughts

announcing the return of fall and the

coming of winter...  isolated images

stand at the ready to intercept the

changes in our environment...  stages

of concern leave every hour from the

terminals of doubt that were built

during the summer months when labor

was cheap and plentifful...  sparrows of

innocence have flown south with all

the hummingbirds that were nourished

on our back porches...  cool winds blow

each morning now, carressing our

blossoming thoughts like boys and girls

tease each other at school dances...  and,

we sense winter is coming but at not

prepared for its severities...  distant

clouds of judgement linger at the horizons

of our mental sight in anticipation of

an unnatural forecast that will shed

more light than desired on our futile

beliefs that were implanted at birth on

those humid days when we had sheltered

ourselves inside the cool protection of 

our imagination and fantasies...  a cool

wind blows across the face of our future

and we are forced to acknowledge its

presence and an abrupt end to our not

so mature warm weather curiosities.

1 October 2021

Blameless

we hold each other to blame in our battle of wills

that has been silently waged since we met but

hidden as we were willing to overlook the obvious

in order to provide each other with companionship;

waves of discontent and disillusionment swept

over us like a summer breeze sweeps over the

humidity of the day...  cooling feelings and providing

thoughts and opportunity to self-reflect and ponder;

grievances were aired openly and voices escalated

to the point of concern as everything we perceived was

immediately in contention since reluctant agreements

became our only course of action...  and as our

animosities grew our feelings were silenced and 

preconceived ideas ruled the great forest that had

once provided both of us with plenty of shade trees;

religious observations were replaced by hatred

of the past we could no longer control... sights and

sounds were only ours to enjoy...  nothing was

shared except distrust and the hope that this

would be over sooner than either of us expected;

we were victims of our own battles and there

were no survivors left alive...  nor were any expected

as life for us was now a constant struggle of making

sure our misunderstandings were always correct

and to that end we pledged our allegiance no matter

what the cost or the unintended consequence never

admitting that either of us had ever made a mistake;

we held each other to blame while in our own minds

knowing we're as blameless as the day we were born.

30 September 2021 

Jamal

the night slides into the day quite conspicuously

as the sun rises beyond earth's rotation and on

it opposite side...  night gradually gobbles up

all the daylight that was previously left behind;

black as the night...  Jamal...  whose path is not

his own, walks quietly along allowing his vision

to direct the movements of his legs and feet

that touch the ancient dirt that touched a

thousand feet before his...  as he moves with

undeniable effort through the darkness;

his home, an abandoned cave, provides warmth

and shelter from both light and dark that

constantly attacks him in an an effort to drain the

spirt that provides him with a willingness to survive...

the animals that he kills and eats...  fear him...

as they should...  his skills are better than theirs;

when he sleeps, Jamal's head rests on the skull

of a lion...  his body wraps up in the sun-dried

skin of a polar bear...  his mind drifts into the

innear space of the spirits whose souls lived

here long before his birth...  daylight finds

Jamal at the corner of his property watching

earth eaters scrape away his domain as a

flat surface without vegetation is created... 

and a city soon will be built juxtaposed to

the mountain propeerty he refused to sell.

30 September 2021

Age As An Opinion

age creeps down the hallway of our lives

never reaching the end...  entering one

door after another...  search for the right

one in which to secure passage to the

other side...  that side which is our destiny,

our origins from birth into consciousness,

from that as we knew it not...  as no one

knows not from whence we came... as we

were never intended to know or even

question...  it was not our birthright nor

was it our intention...  it was the unintended

consequences of our purpose...  a purpose

never known...  never shared with anyone;

age creeps down the hallway of our existence

offering no solutions for our dilemma other

than retrospection...  and isolation...  in the

midst of controversy surrounding our

purpose here...  we live inside coffins of

death that house only those fears and

concerns we were given...  as if entrusting

no other with that burden...  time glances

in our diretion as it moves forward in its

relentless progression towards a point-in-time

it will never reach...  time is no longer a

measure of distance but of evolution forced

upon us all at birth...  as was our creation...

leaving no room for us to offer our opinion.

30 September 2021

Mind Shadows

along the non-linear roads of the mind

shadows walk without dexterity

collecting random memories and thoughts

cluttering the imagination and its willingness

to circumvent the logic or rational sights

and sounds that collectively form

the pathways of subconscious motivation

directing all conscious behavioral actions;

these shadows are no longer randomly

selected but are programmed by the body

to activate upon reaching a certain age...

and...  sine age is a precusor for death,

it is only natural these shadows respond

without remorse to their conditioned duties,

and we...  as human beings involuntarily

respond without restraint to the activities

taking place each night while we dream;

salvaged are the remnants of our past

and the brief connection with our present

that redirects our futile unwillingness to

participate in the final days and hours

of our existence...  we dream in third party

narratives, hoping that our presence remains

undetected while bargaining with those who

control our fate to leave a few more years

on the table that provides us with the

latent ability to claim our destiny as it has

been offered to us at the moment of birth.

30 September 2021

Magnolias's

seven magnolia trees sand tall

with a broad appearance as they

side-by-side guard the permiter;

bright green leaves and full

white flowers adorn them in

their constant protective vigil,

without fail day and night;

their lower limbs cut away

as underneath we travel still

unafraid and unmolested;

thirty feet or more they achieve

reaching up towards the sky

as they do...  wanting less and

less each year...  offering shade

in return for their survival;

seven magnoliass from north

carolina brought as seedlings,

transplanted with loving care and

watered frequenly in the beginning; 

two decades or more remained

surviving in this foreign land

asking us for nothing but giving

an appreciation for their beauty;

how long might they survive?

seven magnolias planted here years

ago and have united themselves

in friendship and in defencse of

their enemies...  as for them

they know no other way to live.

29 September 2021

Life's Fast Train

in the year 1967, I was tweny

young and foolish

but not so innocent in

sex and drugs...

for today I lived, no tomorrows

and because of failures

I experienced opportunities;

in the year 1987, I was forty

my age could not be doubled,

no longer alive, my mind

began its reconditioning...

in the year 2007, I was sixty

and had relocated to a

different state both

mentally and physically;

in the year 2021, I was seventy-three

and no longer in charge of my body

as it had sought out the

partnerships of illness and disease;

all these years blur inside

and are unclear as I reflect upon

the fast train that has

brought me to this station.

29 September 2021

Enlightenment

cautiously...  my thoughts dwell

on the edge of my consciousness

before dissipating into the air,

leaving me wishing I had spent

more time inside their awareness...

ideas rise up from below and

walk along the lines of sight that

my receptors recognize as friendly

before being destroyed by those parts

of the subconscious that do not allow

the formation of innocent feelings;

countless interactions flow in

random directions inside the mind

like strings...  directing and often

redirecting the energies of

understanding... forming new

mental dimensions inside the old

ones of one's imagination to hide

and grow into something seen as

intellectually reasonable...

retrieved for reconsideration;

introspection sits on the side of

the road waiting to be picked-up

like a prostitute and participate

in the unexpected journey of

acceptance that leads so many

down death paths of previous selfs...

remembering...  we donate our

thoughts and memories to all those

previous souls who made the journey

and failed to find and restore all

our of inconclusive enlightenment.

29 September 2021

Fleeting

barking dogs break the morning

silence as the gentle breeze of

serenity washes over the body;

contentment breeds relaxation

pushing out the stress like beads

of sweat after a robust exercise;

thoughts are stilled by the silence,

a quiet time for contemplation

and simple mental renovations;

thoughtless memores lay on one's

subconscious like ripe fruit that

waits for a migrant's hand;

eyes res inside their sockets

flashes of insights go unnoticed

winks of ignorance commonplace;

remembering is inconsequential

forgetting allows for the rebirh

of one's social consciousness;

truth is what braces he grass

o be mowed each week and all

the cuttings turn brown under

the hummingbirds who have

turned their backs on all they

have enjoyed for weeks...

flying towards warmer climates;

we sit on porches and decks

flexing our aimless mucles

peering deep into caverns of

nothingness...  as we contemplate

that which is ever so fleeting.

29 September 2021

Insignificant

we live on a world

inside a solar system

that is part of a galaxy

that is one of many

galaxies forming what

we call our universe

and that universe

as we know it to be

is expanding...  

but into what?

we live in a world that is

determined by three

dimensions as they relate

to the passing of time

that move forward...

however, what happens 

to the time that has

already passed?

we live in a world of

questions but not in a

world of answers,

speculation perhaps...

but, those are merely

educated guesses;

we live in a world of

birth years of life as

we know it to be...

but, an afterlife as part 

of our solar system,

galaxy and universe...

what are the odd?

we live on a world that

we call Earth and that

Earth is a planet...

one of many...  we are

told in that our lives are 

insignificant in comparison.

28 September 2021

Reality

no longer are we bound by the

constraints of time... as time

in and of itself is an illusion

that we asssociate with space;

and space, is merely a word that

has been assigned to explain our

massive universe that can

neither be described nor can it

be defined by time and space...

as it was spontaneously created

by facts not yet understood but

speculated by those whose

intelligence exceeds our own...

no longer are we bound by the

illusions of our own reality as

what is real is only that which

a majority of us perceive as real,

and while it cannot be proven

or disproven, it is the reality

nonetheless with which we live;

a reality based upon what we

see not what we understand,

nor is our reality based upon

what we were taught as those

truths no longer match the

truths of science...  or, the

science that evolves around

how we predicate that reality.

28 September 2021

Death Yields Life

Blinded at birth we

live our lives in darkness

depending upon one 

another to care for our

needs that we are

aware we have...  as we

grow, the light appears

seemingly out of nowhere

as we begin to see that

which has been in

front of us all along...

we bask in the light like

turtles on a rock and feed

on the light conspicuously,

as we age, the light becomes

our enemy and we tend

to shy away from its

brightness, searching instead

for ways to manipulate

its trajectories, sometimes

forcing it to shine on others

instead of on ourselves;

in the end we return to the

darkness from whence we

came hoping to find our

enlightenment...  instead,

we find that which we did

not expect...  a pathway to

other dimensions within

our own universe as well as

within others...  and, other

species with whom we 

must eventually accept.

28 September 2021

The New Majority

once we were free

once we could say or

write what we wanted,

as long as it violated

not the rights of others;

once we were united

as one group of souls

without prjudice or

hatred of color or

one's religious beliefs;

once we were able to

travel about without

any restrictions to

locations of our choice;

once we could enjoy a

meal at a restaurant

or go for a walk in a

wooded environment

or dress as we pleased;

but then...  there were 

those who did not

appreciate our freedoms

and set about to remove

them one by one and

as children of non violence

we let them have their way;

now we seek to leave this

place where freedoms are

no longer welcomed,

appreciated or guaranteed

by this new majority.

28 September 2021

Forclosure

a clear blue sky surrounds my eyesight

shadows on the ground merge together

magnolia leaves, brown and whithered, lay

at the basses of their decade old masters

silence permeates the air with its innocence,

falsely accused rabbits move closer, hoping

to feast on what's left in our summer garden,

points-of-interest are viewed by interested

prey as they fly in circles above our heads;

we lay with our backs to the moist grass

staring at the faceless clouds strolling by,

inside the chicken-wire enclosure, cats

venture forth looking for the morning sun,

moments pass freely into secons that

quick march towards minutes  that

eventually move into hours as the day

passes...  as if it were it's last day on earth;

random barking alerts their owners of a disturbance

and attention is given momentarily to quiet

their anxieties...  but once silence has been

disturbed, all creatures join the symphony...

as unwelcomed guests on a crowded bus;

patterns on the grass indicate where the

cutting took place as browns and pale greens

merge together in their search for a reluctant

end-of-the-summer rain shower to satisfy

their appetites until the returning spring...

the rising humidity forces the rest of us inside.

28 September 2021

Mental Nakedness

mental nakedness

keeps me awake

alert...  in a sheltered sense...

like a combat veteran

being exposed by a

non-combat one...

mental nakedness

brings me in touch with the

realities of my sensibilities

and their incompatibilities

with the rest of the world...

mental nakedness

exposes me to the cruelist

of intentions...  while

attempting to preserve the

sancitity of dignity or

the lack thereof...

mental nakedness

conforms to all the standards

of political incorrectness

as it dictates behaviors

of a retalitory nature and

views revenge on 

everyone who remain

steadfast in their convictions

of distrust...  

mental nakedness

is a lifestyle best suited

for the incompetent who

believe and perceive

that they are all better.

27 September 2021

Graven Images

a field of vision clouds by

judgement in the morning

when I am least awake and

I see endless possibilities

float by me as if feathers

being blown to all side of

my consciousness in the 

hopes of stimulating my

slow motion times...  I

am my own victim...  my

own client of despair whn

in these counties of repression

and collective pride seeps

into my incriminations;

green trees stand tall in my

sights of intellectural commonalities

and my comrades will be the first

to admit their impartial dislike

for the world around them...

even after all their death benefits

have been paid in full...  like

cheated them out of death and

forced them into the hands of

their enemies...  we spit on

the graves of our fathers,

plant flowers on the graves of

our mohters...  and in theory

pay our fair share of taxes.

27 September 2021

Next Generation

a black cat strolls across the

rhythms of my thoughts

leaving paw prints between the lines

of all my unwritten verses;

a cold chill pierces my body

cutting through the warmth of

the surrounding serentiy that

keeps me free and clear of doubt;

a herd mentality keeps a focus

oiver the memores we share

and while our approach is different,

we maintain several commonalities;

vibrations of circumstance change

our timelines and purposes

while maintaining stability in

the life we have always borrowed;

tides of cocnfusion push ups back

into time as returning black cats

fumble with their purposed...

on top of the graves of memories;

our journeys end as theybegun

we are no better off than before

older and worn by the weather

resistent to heat and cold;

the winds blow through the

cavities of our spirits leaving

our tired souls on the ground

for the next generation to find.

27 September 2021

Non-existent

inside the swirls of smoke

that surround the mind,

we live as apprentices

swearing allegiance to life

and to the state-of-mind

that brought us into our

own existence with life as

it was spontaneously created;

we are bits of time...

fragments of reality that

dwell in harmony within

night's silence...  as if it

were death incarnate and

our light was the only proof

of our existence in this

fragile world...  strings of

time entangle...  interact

and blend...  as the dimensions

evolve and we we move

freely between them in the

swirls of smoke that float

aimlessly in space...  waiting

for the correct time to appear;

fluid are our movements

as we are nourished by the 

waters of the ancient world

that surround our countenance

with mysteries and a few

misunderstandings of a time

before it all began when we

were somewhat non-existent.

27September 2021

Absolute

a conclusion...  general or not

has been reached today...

we are the ones who reached it

we are the ones who know...

but, you will not hold us

accountable for the work we do

as it is not of the devil

so what does it concern you?

an outcome was devoured today

one that suits not everyone

and what does it really matter

since your votes will never

be counted with ours...  you

are not of the same mind,

nor of the same persuasion...

you are not of the family

or of this clan...  even though

you were born in our

neighbor's house...  you were

never welcomed here nor

were your children or their children,

so go back to whence you came

and seek shelter from them...

we decided today

no notice will be posted

no exceptions will be granted

all access denied...

we are those who rule over all

our voice is final

and always absolute.

26Sept21

Residents

yonder...

but, not too far away

off yonder,

as they say...

is a place

where no one goes

at least,

whose who know better,

but then,

there are a few...

and,

there are always a few

who listen not

to rumors

or of talk of same

then venture

on their own accord

to those places

and see for themselves

what it is

they are not supposed to see

but thems that go

never return

and thems that don't

never take a nation

to see where they be;

off yonder...

they say

with a devilish grin

off yonder they be.

26Sept21

A Reliable Truth

down behind the tress

the sun hides,

fulfilling its evening ritual

as it appears on the other side;

days entertwined with nights

a solemn celestial movement

the sun appears...

a restless individual forfeits sleep

to see the reality of their dreams

manifest itself so boldly;

the two sides never fully meet

yet they share poetic nuances

constantly waging their superiority

over their sworn enemy;

chills run down the spines of

the observers who stand

shoulder-to-shoulder in their differences

and in their locations while

they observe the predictable encroachment

of the darkness...  or, of the light;

subtle reminders of time

and of its constant passing

or, of a new opportunity set forth

in the blink of an eye,

acknowledging that which is never

understood but is always

accepted as a reliable truth.

26Sept21

December 1999 - page 5

1.

my future is uncertain

but one thing is for sure...

it will be in computers

as long as they endure.

2.

I feel no pressure to get ahead

make the big bucks...  all I seem

to wanmt to do is to learn to

like myself and live a simpe life

with just the little expectation

of security for me and my wife...

accept what I have and enjoy

each day as best as I can now.

3.

you are a funny cat because

what you do is somewhat

for affection...  but, it is mainly

so that I will give you more

treats than you deserve each day.

4.

I have hope for you and me

and our future...  but, we may

not be wealthy in the sense

of money...  but, we will be

wealthy in the sense of spirit.

5.

God is helping me to help

myself...  as I learn to live

a better life...  free of doubt

and free of the fear I have.

6.

we defend our thoughts through

rationalization, hoping the other

person will just accept it...  or,

choose to say nothing at all to us.

7.

I think of you often as is

natural for a husband and 

a wife but recently you

have been thinking about

another hoping I did not see.

8.

you have your males standing by

and you are careful not to use them

too much...  even when you dare...

ou have someone on the side but

as long as it does not come between

us...  we can at learn to live the lie.

9.
who else will know what

you are doing other than

Jesus...  our sins are hidden

from God through his blood.

10.

there is no light unless there

is light...  there is no life

unless there is death...  there

is no hope without despair...

and we must learn to balance

ourselves within these extremes. 

December 1999 - page 4

1.

she does not have enough to go around

and I am impatient and in need...  but,

will not show it anymore to her at all.

2.

I do not fear losing what

little I have...  lost most

of it already...  I'm not

ashamed to go back home

and live a simple life.

 
3.

I walk into the living room

and think each day how

comfortable you have made

it in here for both of us.

4.

I live in my own little world

of dreams... not bold enough

to venture outside...  and into

the real world...  I live in my

fantasies, never being fulfilled

bu never giving up my hope.

5.

do not put hope into circumstances 

or situations...  bu in one's belief

in God and Jesus and through that

faith will come all the hope one needs.

6.

I sit at this table every morning and

write the words about my depression

as if that is the only thing in life for

which I feel there is a need to live.

7.

maybe you and I will finally meet

and I can call you Lord and thank

you for taking care of me during

my lonely time here in Tennessee.

8.

I'm not exactly sure where I

want to be...  but I am better

than I was and I want to thank

God and my family for all

that they did for me recently.

9.

a better man I've tried to be

but my weaknesses overcome

my strengths...  I just want 

security and a simple life and

and an employer that I trust.

10.

I see you in my dreams 

in the shadows

of my memories and in

the fantasies that I 

need to become reality

when the lights

fade it all away again.

December 1999 - page 3

1.

you were distrustful...  now,

all of a sudden, you are

friendly...   I wonder what

you're up o or who you saw

last night to make you this way.

2.

we are husband and wife bu

we do not act like that...  we

ac like eiher we are controlling

or indifferent to our partner's needs,

it is a marriage of convenience

that will not support the pain

of infidelities we both have had.

3.

I am feeling good because of what

I have or because of the pills I am

taking...  although, I don't feel as

relaxed as I feel more confident.

4.

I am more

self directed now

that ever before,

not so much focused

but more sure

of myself now.

5.

you have changed your attitude

as I have done as we overlook

what our partners have done as

long as we have each other...

at least for a while...  it seems ok

to share with others and ignore

the risks of health and safety.

6.

all of my thoughts

my hopes and fears

are enclosed

on these pages and

over the years I

can sense the change

even though

I cannot remember.

7.

I look into your eyes and they are empty,

I hear your voice and it it harsh...

your touch is cold and I feel indifference,

from your attitude...  I wonder who you
are now...  and why you are not like

as you were before...  and it feeds my

indifference and desire to be away from

you and search for someone who is more

compatible with me and all of my desires.

  

8.

I must get my house in order

I must get myself ready

my heart would not miss

what I've never had...  and maybe

afterwards, I will find happiness.

9.

at ease with myself is what I'm

gaining, even though my bills

are just barely being paid...  I

have no security in my life other

than what my wife provides and

she should not have to bear this

burden just because I am this way.

10.

she likes where she is

she likes being in charge

and being in demand

and being needede

and she has lost sight

of her family that she

claims she needs not. 

December 1999 - page 2

1.

you feel uncertain about me

just as you made me feel 

uncertaimn about you...  and,

it was not intentional, you

just happened to call which

you never do...  so, if I had

not called you, then you

would have been to busy to

call me...  but, my call made

you feel like you could not

trust me...  it is hard to say

but I wonder if I should ever

call you again when I'm away.

2.

the end of the year is at hand

and I wonder what it will bring

for both of us...  and I wonder

how long this marriage of ours

will last because I feel you are

going to try and pay me back.

3.

will we end up staying

together but having an

open marriage...  I wonder

how secure we would feel?

4.

we search for ways to

put our lives back

together and what we

find is that we will

both end up alone like

we always were before.

5.

I could make you mad so that

youo will not call to check up

on me...  and then, use that

seakness of your to be with

someone else now and again.

6.

you take no responsibility

for your actions as they

relate to me...  seeing me as

always the one to blame.

7.

life is a creature with too

many heads that are constantly

voicing their opinions of

how your behavior should be.

8.

the three pills seem to have

put me back on top of the

way I was before he accident

of falling off that hill of yours.

9.

remember, who you are today

and who you need o be and who

is looking over your shoulder

and who is making our your will...

remember, today is not the last

day of your life on this earth.

10.

I wonder how we will end up

a year from now...  each with

our own interests, hobbies,

and ever so special flings?