Cautious

Reluctantly, I watch you
to elicit a response long desired;
believing we could perhaps
enjoy a mutual attraction, but
cautious that my feeling might
conflict with your attraction to me.

February 1987

Waiting

Just a phone call would brighten up my day,
heaing you say how much I am missed; I
wonder if friends can become divorced?
How long has it been since the closeness
we shared became too close . . .
I wonder if your love is strong enough to wait?
I wonder if either of us can survive . . .
knowing what we have done to each other?
No apologies are necessary today.

April 1987

WHEN

When does the morning arrive?

when one awakes . . .

when light breaks the sky . . .

when we have breakfast . . .

when we first have coffee . . .

When does the morning arrive, I wonder because

I need to set my clock;

it runs in eight hour intervals

and has never learned to walk.

March 2011

December 1987

A Hole

I fixed a hole in the roof
where the rain leaks in  by
wearing a hat, and I know
I don't look good in them.
December 1987

Advice

Where do we look for advice if
all the old ones are ignored?
Textbooks give us theory while
experience provides reality and
the two shall never meet.
December 1987

Keeping Score

I count my successes, keeping a record
 of how I want to be remembered;
The failures went into the trash along
with all my aged-out dreams since I am
only measured by those I choose to keep.
December 1987

From the Imagination

Her fingers rub politely
up and down the inside
of his leg; her eyes look
into his as if to say, "I am yours;"
awkwardly, he adjusts his position
nervously losing control;
he wants her but does not
know how to tell her.
November 1987

Her touch sends waves of
excitement through him but
he is afraid to show feelings.
November 1987

In my dreams you came
to my rescue and instead
of leaving with you, I
left with the friend you
brought along to help.
November 1987

The Earth Blushes

The earth blushes a bright orange red as the
sun fades quietly behind a horizon of trees;
the day ends her misery and for some,
the battles must wait until tomorrow; for
others, evenings bring about a new reign of
terror with emergency teams rushing to save
the unfortunate, the innocent, and other
victims of a prevailing madness; and mothers
whose future lies with her kids, and fathers
whose name lies with his kid's honor, cringe
at the darkness and these new opportunities;
the earth blushes bring, a color or pale red
covers the trees, an evening gown of beauty
as far as the eye can see surrounding
only those who seem to want to notice.

March 1987

Transparent Feelings

Transparent feelings
worn on shirt sleeves,
worn on special occasions,
worn when words lie at
the bottom of stomachs
like anxieties breaking
free from being held in,
torment like perspiration
running down the side of a face
reminding us daily of all
that was hidden or discarded
along with one's self-esteem
that was always avoided,
hidden inside the subconscious
protecting an embarrassment
long endured like some
hidious scar but always knowing
discomforts have to be faced.

March 1987

Upon These Dreams

Upon these years, we have

built our truths and tolerances;

upon our truths and tolerances,

we have built our commitments;

upon our commitments,

we have build out love;

upon our love, we have

forged a partnership;

upon that partnership,

our survival depends

and as we survive

we grow and prosper in

ways no currency allows

and when another year

flows through our hands

like the water we use

to calm our fevered hearts,

we know all the unspoken

truths of that birthday.

1-3-12

From Year to Year

From Virginia to Tennessee and points in between,

dreams you have followed no matter how often

different directions had changed your attitude;

From Morristown to Chattanooga and not for too long,

broken dreams returned you to the valley ;

From youth to aged beauty and more,

your feelings have danced with life’s fires,

your mind absorbed curiosities and

your eyes saw what no mother should have seen;

From year to year, five decades and more, you have

unwrapped and read - almost twenty of these

always saying, I love you . . . yet understating

what you already know and overlooking

all the understanding

all the caring

all the hoping

and me not seeing all the giving

or the needing we both have.

1-2-12

I Cannot

I cannot write

your future in

these lines of

make-believe;

I cannot rework

the parts you

do not like;

I can only

rearrange the

words to  describe

how I feel

April 1987

First Snow

Gently it falls

until each leaf

each branch

each twig

is covered;

until its moisture

revives a

parched attitude.

May 1987

A Morning Breeze

I
In this fast paced, fast food, never
enough time to get it done kind of world,
it is nice to know we can relax
and share each other's love.

II
As this morning begins it sunny opportunity,
I feel tired from our conversation but the
restrictions placed upon us seem logical.

III
Tied together by some uncommon magnet
that neither of us could avoid, we neatly share
an experience allowing moments to be treasured.

IV
A morning breeze blows lovingly on my back;
an early sun warms my anxious face as I sit
nearby waiting for your memory to return;
I confront my thoughts and accept their decision
that allows me to follow their directions and
take the first step into a long awaited dream.

March 1987

Something Inside Me

Something inside me want to know the way you feel,

what you like and dislike;

Something inside me wants you to believe in me,

trust me and desire me

like you once did before;

Something inside me wants to think that

reassurance is enough,

that one good time is enough,

that my conversation is enough;

Something inside me know that talking is not enough,

not this time,

once too often have you believed me only to find

your trust shattered again, leaving

you humiliated and hurt;

reliving the image of me sharing and giving

what you could not receive,

what you felt belonged to you and to you alone;

and, like an illness relapses cause depression

as solitude leaves you wondering;

Something inside me wants to convince you,

wants you to know what has been accomplished;

Something inside me wants it to be easy,

wants you to let the guilt that I feel,

that I live with constantly,

be enough punishment,

enough pain and sorrow;

Something inside me feels I should never be

free of your anger and bitterness,

of your scorn, your hurt and anxiety;

Something inside me longs to be hurt,

to be devastated,

to be crushed under foot as I did to you,

not to resolve my guilt

not to equal things out, but

because it is what I deserve; and yet, I know

our relationship as it exists presently

is all I deserve, no matter how hard I try,

no matter how nice or loving

or gentle or kind I am - it will never change;

it will never be better than now and

that is my punishment,

everlasting,

till death do us part.

Something inside me wants this, begs for this,

needs this and accepts this, even though

my behavior hopes it will change; and,

my actions indicate how difficult it is for me,

knowing...

what you went through was worse;

Something inside me wants you to leave but

I know you cannot but will accept

the total love that you will no longer offer.

March 1987

3 from September 1987


The vacancies inside my mind are checked regularly,

monthly will do nicely;

rubber stoppers and corks plug the holes and a

coat of paint makes the place look good as new.

If we shared our future, who would mind the store?

And, if the grass was greener, we would

only have to mow it more often;

these little things in life tend to keep us alive.

Our lives continue to develop despite

our attempts at limiting them and

despite our attempts at taking less risks.

November 1987

In our bed you lay with someone else;
in our bed the two of you spend the afternoon;
In our bed you make love like you never did with me;
in our bed you lay crying out with joy for more;
in our bed you dropped down to my level;
in our bed I will never sleep again.


Her style was factual,

his was carefree;

she showed her willingness,

he carefully agreed.

I waited but you did not show;

I waited but you did not call;

I met someone, she'll do.

December 1987

You hover around me like
a drizzling rain, never,
committing, just there;
liongering, viewing me
from a nervous position.


We took a room at the inn, the last one they had;
soundly, we slept until the keeper asked us to leave -
our bill was paid if we would leave right away;
as we drove out-of-sight, we saw the inn in the
rear view mirror bathed in a supernatural light.


Two lovers again I'd like to see,
known about the same time;
both were treated badly and
I would like to apologize

Pre-dawn Beauty

A strange beauty flows

from objects in the

early morning silence

of a sailor’s mid-watch;

and yet,

I am held in the security

of my thoughts;

the streetlamp’s glow

illuminates these

towering monsters,

giving up the mysteries

they protect;

calmly they sit in the

morning waters,

mutely awaiting their

rum-soiled masters

who will unleash their

power once again,

like a rat awaiting

a dew-drying sun and

the return of a

psychopathic society;

the shattering reality of

the morning light

crushes my fantasy

and I see these specters

as pieces of cold, hard, cruel steel

formed in the eye

of a perfect storm

by disciples of power, who

are insecure souls lost

within the tunnels

of their own fears.

September 1977

Self Awareness

I saw a fawn the other day and

was enamored by her illusiveness;

A caterpillar traversing and

with my foot it ended;

I watched clouds pass overhead today

and reclining, shared their faces;

A spider undulating for its mate

and with its rhythms, I ended.

March 1976

the transparent gaze


from the owl and


the fluttering wing

           

                                                              
of the new-born

butterfly

silently swelled

together

in the richness

of nature’s song.

October 1975

FEELINGS

An uneasiness take you apart
from yourself, into a world where
piles of insecurity are draped
in parallel lines across your face.
Ashamed of contrived emotions’
moments, inabilities, feeling small, and
rabid laughter replaces confidence.

January 1976

A Burial of an Unknown Child

few witnessed the end of the day

as crowds spoke words of kindness;

few understood the meaning of a sound

as mourners heard cries of sorrow;

women carried hearts in their hand…

men trod their souls under heel…

controlled feelings echoed words’ passion

rented for the living, not the dead;

introverted smiles, repressed love, all

injected at birth with ancestral grace;

robed thoughts comforting not, lay silent

on the ground enshrining earth’s child.

September 1975

the warmth of the new sun

penetrates the window and my

eyes put aside the cold

darkness of the long winter

and relax with the muskrat

as it swiftly and gently

glides across the pond

in front of my mind.

March 1977

DEATH’S REJECTION

Out of the darkness she came and

fastened onto me like a leech,

purging me of the mockery

I had for mankind;

her decayed skull echoed

with hell’s rejoicing triumph;

the void of her mouth, in

whispers, beckoned to be held;

the tempting calmness of her breath

evoked quivering sensations trembling

off my layers blending with the

apprehensive tears of my discomfort;

tombstone eyes pierced my nakedness

drawing me into silhouetted arms;

violent screams muted by the flow of

poisoned blood filled the cavities

of my lost security and then

she returned to the darkness.

February 1976

Heights of Unhappiness

Grandfather Mountain

Crew cut mountains with your icy wind March deadness,

stand erect among those who have fallen;

valley willows weep from your breath;

grey veils cloud your vision of times yet to be;

moss lined paths hold the dew of your veins;

asphalt threads scar your ancient body;

early morning tears cleanse the monuments of your weaknesses;

pensive pines and spruce guard the mysteries that were once yours alone;

time’s crippled currents are the pools in which you must bath while

thoughtless humans unravel your serenity and garbage piles

of decadence seem to be your children’s final playground.

March 1976

There






           is a






                   blessed






                                 agony






                                              being






                                                         ashamed






                                                                 of






                                                         the






                                                 fear






                                                            in


                                                              one’s


                                                                 self.

                                                                                                                                             October 1975

Tender Conscience

The light from the neon sign

penetrated the tiny room and

a silhouetted form

sat motionless on the bed

holding her head in hand,

gazing at the wooden floor

beneath her bare feet.

Unable to voice her feelings

tears displayed her loneliness;

rhythmically her lashes

closed in an attempt to

blot out the moments that

were once vividly alive,

sharing with a

mirrored image of

all that she was not.

To feel her blond hair gently

being pulled and tangled

by the hands of the lover

from whom she had been taught.

The pain of patience

heightened the sensuousness

of every second spent

in each other’s arms;

arms that no longer and

must always remain as a

memory better left hidden.

March 1977

A Sacred Irony In Loneliness

Short was the hallway between us,

silk and satin leaves were its wall,

and dying embers its path;

wine stained crystals overhead

illuminated your face

suppressing the emptiness

from which I must pass;

my feet moved reluctantly,

feverishly my body trembled,

your outstretched arms beckoned,

your form grew more visible as

the distance between us shortened;

my body ached with anxiety

that only you could control;

suddenly, I stood before you

your naked body glimmering,

your lips parted and pouted as

I stood there motionless,

without knowing what to do;

your arms wrapped around me,

warmness touched my flesh;

slowly, you pulled me over

forcing my head to yours;

my eyes closed when our

bodies pressed close together

and out lips touched and melted;

my senses filled with your

perfume and my eyes opened

as you disappeared from sight.

February 1977

Untitled

The hours of night

softly unfold as I

hold you in my arms

only to disappear

with the morning light.

March 1977

THREE INTO ONE



Cast of Characters:  I, Defender, & Supplanter



[There is a person (I) sitting at a round table partially hidden by the darkness. There is an empty chair at the table, and the man is leaning back in the chair against the wall with this hands clasped behind his head. Another person (Defender) enters and walks up to the table and attempts to pull out the empty chair and sit down.]

I – That seat is taken.

Defender – But, I must sit down.

I – I’m sorry but you cannot sit there.

Defender – Then what do I do?

I – You can stand.

Defender – I’ll not stand for this!

I – Then please, sit down.

Defender – Thank you.

I – Don’t thank me.

Defender – Then who?

I – Why are you here?

Defender – I was invited.

I – By who?

Defender – By whom you mean.

I – Ok then, by whom?

Defender – Why by you.

I – I did not invite you.

Defender – Then, who did?

I – I don’t know. Maybe you should leave.

Defender – I’ve got to find out why I came here before I leave.

I – I see no point in this.

[A third person (Supplanter) arrives carrying a chair and walks up to the table to sit down.]

Three Into One Complete

Supplanter – I do.

I – Who are you?

Supplanter – I am the one you wanted us to meet.

Defender – You are?

I – That’s what he said, don’t you listen?

Defender – But why?

Supplanter – Is that important?

I – No, it’s not. Please leave, both of you.



[Defender makes a move to get up, but Supplanter motions “no” with his head and swings the chair around (that he was holding) behind his back and as he sits makes this statement,]

Supplanter – Sorry I am late, but I was looking for a chair.

Defender – that’s nice.

I – No it’s not.

Supplanter – Have you been here long?

Defender – Not too long.

I – He just got here.

Supplanter – And you?

I – I’ve been here all my life.

Defender – Sorry to hear that.

I – I’m not.

Supplanter – Don’t pay any attention to him.

Defender – He seemed like such a nice person.

I – I’m not!

Defender – But why?

I – Why not?

Supplanter – Is this necessary?

I – It wasn’t until you two arrive.

Defender – We came to help.

I – I never asked for any help.

Supplanter – That’s why we came.

I – And, that is why you can leave!

Defender – But, we haven’t done anything.

I – And, you won’t either.

Supplanter – You mean you won’t let us.

I – I didn’t say that.

Supplanter – It was implied, wasn’t it?

Defender – Yes, I think it was.

I – You don’t know what I mean.

Supplanter – I think we do.

Defender – I agree.

I – Who are you two?

Defender – I am the defender.

I – The what?

Supplanter – I’m the supplanter.

I – That doesn’t make any sense.

Supplanter – not now.

Defender – But, in time it will.

I – I don’t ever want to know.

Supplanter – Who are you?

I – I am I.

Defender – But, who are you now?

I – I am here now.

Supplanter – Are you?

I – I am alive, so I must be here.

Defender – But how?

I – I think therefore I am.

Supplanter – You think?

I – Yes, I do, but as a doubter.

Supplanter – Then all you’ve said is false.

Defender – He’s right you know.

I – How’s that?

Supplanter – If you doubt everything…

I – And, I do.

Supplanter – Then, you should also doubt yourself.

Defender – Take you time.

I – My physical body proves my life, leaving me free to doubt.

Supplanter – Does this give you meaning?

I – There is no real meaning.

Defender – Life is meaning.

Supplanter – What is real?

I – Real is whatever you want it to be.

Defender – Is life real?

I – Life is absurd!

Supplanter – To you, maybe.

I – To all of us.

Defender – Not to me!

I – Then, you are foolish!

Supplanter – And you? How do you feel?

I – I feel with my fingers.

Defender – But, why do you have to be . . .

I – So what?

Supplanter – So asinine.

I – I have no choice.

Supplanter – You can do whatever you want.

Defender – Within reason, of course.

I – I do what I must.

Supplanter – How’s that?

I – It’s either survive or perish.

Defender – There’s much more than that.

I – What?

Defender – It’s how you live.

Supplanter – Experiencing everything life has to offer.

I – That sounds like a real drag.

Defender – The way you’re living is a drag.

I – How do you know how I live?

Supplanter – You’ve told us.

I – I’ve told you only what I want you to know.

Defender – That, and much, much more.

I – What gives you the right to dissect me?

Supplanter – We could do it by force.

I – I abhor violence.

Defender – Then, submit yourself voluntarily.

I – I can’t.

Supplanter – You can if you want.

I – That’s the whole point.

Defender – What’s the point?

Supplanter – He’s not ready.

Defender – You’re not ready.

I – He said it, not me.

Defender – there is no right time.

Supplanter – You’re such a silly, gutless, little man.

I – Ya know, I could tolerate one of you, but the other one, I can’t stand.

Supplanter – Let’s go; I can see now this was a mistake.

Defender – We had to try, didn’t we?

I – No, not really.

Defender – I cannot help but think . . .

I – Don’t think and you won’t exist.

Defender – I really am sorry.

Supplanter – I’m not.

I – Just git outta here, both of you.

Defender – You’re just being silly here.

Supplanter – He’s not worth the effort.

I – It’s about time!

Defender – but, what will you do?

I – I’ll survive.

Supplanter – Will you?

I – Yes, if you ever leave me alone!

Defender – Nobody can live like that.

I – Who said anything about living?

Defender – We’ll just come back, you know?

I – No, you won’t.

Supplanter – You’re right, we won’t.

Defender – But, why?

Supplanter – Because he’s dead already.

I – Come to think of it, I don’t like either one of you.

[Both visitors get up and leave the table, also leaving their chairs.]

I – Hey, you forgot your chair.

Supplanter – Keep it; it was your chair anyway.

May 1976

Note to the reader: This brief 1 Act play was written during a Writing Drama class in response to one of the students who wanted me to more openly disclose my innermost feelings. This same person was a “smooth” talker who opened his back of cigarettes from the bottom so he could tell people who wanted to “bum” a cigarette that all he had was an unopened pack. The 3 Characters in this represented my: ID – EGO – SUPER EGO and they were having this conversation to determine if they wanted to become more “open” or not; they choose not to be.

The Secret Connection

Nothing in life is certain;

what is right today is wrong tomorrow;

what is unknown will soon be forgotten;

what is known is always misunderstood;

the  creativity of the mind imprisoned;

to accept all this is uncertain,

imagine all that is unreal as truth,

have confidence in abstract qualities

and believe in what might not exist is

to have the secret connection with life.

March 1977

I Have Loved and Cared

I an sheltered from the fears of false illusions,

alone in the womb of my non-existence,

I am alone with the pain of my remembering,

I am free to come and go at will,

but, I have chosen to remain forever,

to remain in darkness is my reality;

to purge my feelings is to gain nothing,

for I cannot hate nor can I love;

but, I have loved and cared and tried to be sincere;

I was filled with a desire to see my reflection,

a mold that I was cast into at birth;

a mold that will disappear only at death.

I have loved and cared and tried to be wanted;

to cross the river Styx, I

would have done anything for love,

is it for love that I cry now?

But, there are no tears, only anger;

an anger that leave me alone,

alone in the hollowness of my emotions,

emotions that I can never share,

only dwell in momentarily;

the clamor of the past is frightening,

it echoes of dark chambers where the

oozing light outstretched, show the way;

unleashed passions surrendered their encasements,

and the entire world was for a brief moment,

allowed to function in slow motion.

while our bodies intertwined unobserved,

and we did love and care for each other;

we were high in a reciprocating way;

our negative bodies were positively,

united against the realities of existence,

for we did not and could not exist;

the moment vanished and only the past remains;

the light is gone and I am alone again;

alone in this chamber forever . . .

I have loved and cared and was loved;

I have tried to cry but no tears came and

I cried in silence to be alone again;

to be sheltered in the womb of my illusions.

February 1977