Something Inside Me
Something inside me want to know the way you feel,
what you like and dislike;
Something inside me wants you to believe in me,
trust me and desire me
like you once did before;
Something inside me wants to think that
reassurance is enough,
that one good time is enough,
that my conversation is enough;
Something inside me know that talking is not enough,
not this time,
once too often have you believed me only to find
your trust shattered again, leaving
you humiliated and hurt;
reliving the image of me sharing and giving
what you could not receive,
what you felt belonged to you and to you alone;
and, like an illness relapses cause depression
as solitude leaves you wondering;
Something inside me wants to convince you,
wants you to know what has been accomplished;
Something inside me wants it to be easy,
wants you to let the guilt that I feel,
that I live with constantly,
be enough punishment,
enough pain and sorrow;
Something inside me feels I should never be
free of your anger and bitterness,
of your scorn, your hurt and anxiety;
Something inside me longs to be hurt,
to be devastated,
to be crushed under foot as I did to you,
not to resolve my guilt
not to equal things out, but
because it is what I deserve; and yet, I know
our relationship as it exists presently
is all I deserve, no matter how hard I try,
no matter how nice or loving
or gentle or kind I am - it will never change;
it will never be better than now and
that is my punishment,
everlasting,
till death do us part.
Something inside me wants this, begs for this,
needs this and accepts this, even though
my behavior hopes it will change; and,
my actions indicate how difficult it is for me,
knowing...
what you went through was worse;
Something inside me wants you to leave but
I know you cannot but will accept
the total love that you will no longer offer.
March 1987
No comments:
Post a Comment