Poetic Muses - November 1987

she worked two jobs and put three

children through college...   her

family was a lot closer than mine,

but I borrowed no hints from her.

she stood just shy of five and a half

with jet black hair to her shoulders,

and a pale but healthy appearance,

her smile was more than enough to

attract my interest...  but the ring on

her finger kept her from being mine,

yet, I still imagined how it would be.

she crossed her legs and broke

my glasses and we never saw

each other again after that.

I watched you pass but you did not see me,

I watched my fantasy fade from view,

knowing that if you were really interested

you would have let me know by now.

moods change with our dreams as

we seek to fulfill our empty needs.

she changed my future and its direction

she made me admit my weaknesses

then left me alone with all the fears.

I called you because I

need to be with my past

and see if it there was

something to change it.

once a month I journey south to the park

I presume because that where I should be,

and every month I feel like a stranger

and that's just the way its going to be.

in your outstretched hand you hold

the key to my survival...  if you can

solve the mystery of my life...   and

if you can secure my loneliness.

the redhead smiled and I remembered

her from somewhere...  I just can't remember,

she laughed and I remembered her lips,

she frowned and I remembered her goodbyes.

she continue to see me up

until my divorce was final,

then she stopped because

there was no more excitement.

she told me over and over again

there was nobody else and I was

beginning to believe her... then,

one day I came home early and

found her with our new neighbor.

she stopped long enough to call me...

I had not much time to listen...

she said, "we're through..."

I said, "thank you..."

we left in different directions.

A

at the break, I went outside

in the hopes that someone

would eventually speak...

no one approached me so I

venture back inside to my seat,

B

I wondered who they all were,

but I could read their name tags,

so I gave them bogus names

according to their appearance.

I try to find women with whom I

might be able to have an affair...

knowing it will complicate my life

but not having them makes it worse.

it's been a while since last we met

but I can remember all your moves,

I can remember your touch like it was yesterday,

but what makes me feel the best is that

you want me as much as I want you.

your hate lives deep inside me

as my hate lives deep inside you,

we got what we paid for...

we paid what we bargained for...

so neither of us can complain.

I want you for my own

but had to share...

my interest in you faded as

I wanted someone who was

willing to be mine alone.

she looked dangerous in those clothes

that she decided to wear today...

in need of companionship she was,

and she was selectively patient.

in my mind I see you plainly

laying there with me

on the ground

making love...

in my mind I see these things

and what is real is

something altogether different.

Poetic Muses - December 1987

once the power left I had no

trouble finding friends...

no more voices were heard and

no more predictions made either.

I live with a middle class family

in a middle class community

with middle class neighbors...

I dress conservatively and save

what little money I can spare;

my kids are disrespectful,

I'm never quite "caught up"

around the house...

I've never been away from home

I am seldom sick which makes

me very much typical but

not necessarily successful.

if I were to be rude to my parents,

I would say:  "I refuse to live by your

standards and rules and I refuse to

let you make me feel guilty..."

but it would all be ignored by them.

I look at the page...

letters forming words

and the words make sense,

words forming sentences,

sentences forming paragraphs,

and a story is conveyed...

I cannot imagine that this

is not something for everyone.

once a year we seem to be on our best behavior,

once a year we seem to make things larger than they are,

once a year we forget who we dislike.

we learn to scheme together as we

battle each other for dominance,

we were as natural as partners as

we were as adversaries...  there was

no room for compromise and no

giving-up once we had started,

we could never find the right room

in our hearts to let us compromise.,

once we start worrying

can we ever really stop?

isn't this what separates

the adults from the children?

senior citizens have learned

what's important and what's not

leaving time to grow old.

we stopped playing the game

long enough to sleep and eat,

after that our public self was

in control of all our patterns.

little boy blue

little boy abandoned

two years not knowing who

you were and why...

some said prayers

others planted flowers

while younger kids left 

their toys beside the grave,

and...  it made a good news story

until the cynics wanted to know

how many of those nice kids

would end up on drugs or

become pregnant or steal or

commit acts of violence.

even for all the rice in China some

still won't bargain with the devil,

it was easy for me as all I wanted

was someone who offered me love.

she came to me out of loneliness

and I offered her compassion,

soon she was teaching me...

then one day she just left.

we worked hard to keep our

land and once we gave it to

our children, they sold it.

we brought presents from China

to see if we could impress you

they were all made in Japan.

I was on the eve of something wonderful,

but I did not know how to explain it;

I felt a sense of wholeness

a sense of satisfaction

a sense of order...

I had found a way to accept myself

to accept my limitations

my own inner greed and reluctance;

I was on the eve of something special

and did not know how long it would last.

A

what kind of person would

lie on Christmas Day?

you tell me you always tell the truth

then you turn around and say you

did not tell the whole truth about

that you just did five minutes ago...

and you tell me you are honest?

what else has been this way...

I wonder?  it makes one think.

B

I think you've been lying

to me all along...   but, I guess

it's ok for you to lie to me just

as long as I don't lie to you.

C

whatever good feeling I've had

about you and Christmas is gone,

I cannot trust you and I don't want to

have anything more to do with you.

things happen in the strangest places, and

as soon as something begins to run smoothly,

there will always be an incident to make

it change from happy to unhappy...  yes,

it is true...   I know all about these things.

A

it was a common place event

simple enough, it would seem

all she had to do was listen.

B

we are all victims of discrimination

we never listen to their points-of-view.

our lives are solutions to 

complicated opportunities,

we will encounter during our lives,

today prepares us for each 

adventure as we learn more

than we will ever forget.

they took away my land

and called it progress,

three generations farmed this land

and the city bought us out...

they gave us compensation

and took away my land...

and our pride was passed along

from father to son to son...

each one earning their right to

own the land and raise a family,

they took away my land and

gave me compensation...  and,

the sons of my father's neighbors

who we fed when times were lean,

now own the banks who

now own my land...  who plan to 

turn it into highways and parking lots,

they took away my land

and called it progress.

the tug in the painting

all rusted with age,

reminded me of my water days

and a younger version

of what I had become,

I don't think of those day much anymore

and receive only one care from

the seventy six that I knew...

far removed from the sixties and war,

I see my past in watercolors now.

The Untitled... from 1988, page 33

 

I.

I look at you and see a love I

have not know for years...

one that sustains and contains

all the needs offered to me.

II.

if you could look into me through my eyes,

what would you see?

could I hide my weaknesses?

would you want to excavate my hidden treasures?

could I count on you to me me the truth?

III.

we were careful with the way we

demonstrated love...   letting out

only a little bit at a time carefully.

IV.

I have found you comforting after twenty years,

someone around which I want to be...

someone who deserves to be treated like a friend.

V.

it was a gamble...  you and I...

one that had no favorable odds,

its convenience turned inconvenient,

following our needs not our hearts,

following our desires not responsibilities,

it was cruel but necessary...  and,

we found ourselves adapting.

VI.

I looked for you yesterday because

my fantasies had returned and I

needed someone to play the seducer

of an innocent lad I was to play.

VII.

along the line of least resistance, I

lay me down to rest and absorb

the constant warmth of the sun,

to free myself from those who

would rob me of my thoughts,

and...  my dreams float freely

alongside your faint memory,

and...  I want to feel how I write

and what you mean to me...

but...  the words don't arrive as

easily as the tiredness that is

now invading my sensibilities,

the space inside my head is crowed

overpopulated with meaningless thoughts.

VIII.

how often can I tell you that

I love you and still have you

question me on what that means?

IX.

our thoughts intertwine as do our bodies and our

feelings bleed into each other's moral obligations;

what we look for is available and cheap,

a dime novel or adult paperback...

still, we accept what little we can have.

X.

we apply love as if it were the

mortar to keep all the bricks

of our home from falling in.

XI.

the wind chills my outer layer

of skin while my clothes keep

your memory warm inside me.

The Untitled... from 1988, page 32

 

 I.

there's really nothing more

we can do to deny how strong

our love is for each other.

II.

sitting there in the dark or

semi-darkness with only a

harvest moon for light, we

look at each other from

behind a trance... a disbelief of

how much we need each other.

III.

you took your needs from me

and gave me back needed love,

I took your love and gave empathy,

you took my empathy, giving

me a non judgmental routine,

I took this and pledged my love

but it was not a forever thing.

IV.

other couples seem to have

what it takes to get along

while we struggle to understand.

V.

I made you feel no more special than you did me,

I care for you no more than you cared for me,

I wanted you no more than you wanted me.

VI.

we faced the frustrations and the opposition,

the families, friends, and all the limitations,

we faced each other's love deciding it

was worth taking what we could take.

VII.

we placed ourselves behind a senseless

barrier of secrecy, defending our rights

to privacy when your family needed to

know who had actually stolen you away.

VIII.

can I trust you since you since you

are nothing more than my imagination?

an image I needed more that

any of my insecurities now.

IX.

within my influence you have my protection,

each moment falls like a leaf to the ground

building up layers to accommodate our age.

X.

you appeared as I began to climb out of my hole,

a hole that trapped depression so no other could

have what was actually meant for me...  your

caring cleansed me like a spring rain and without

it my new identity would not have lasted long.

The Untitled... from 1988, page 31

 I.

should we ever feel sorry for the ones

that were born ugly since they will

probably never experience the agonies

of being attracted to beauty and love?

II.

she heard me crying but I could hear nothing

that my eyes could see, except of muffling of

voices from off in the distance...  she heard

me crying and I'm thankful I could not see

all the love that she had been hiding from me.

III.

she lived not far away but what I

felt came from a short distance

inside my heart...  I found her

a mother of two with a need to

be needed and with plenty of

love for two...  I found her

fascinating and easy to love.

IV.

it was difficult somedays to

arrange a meeting but when

we did it was always worth it.

V.

living in the city had robbed her

of a sense of humor and all that

remained was her dignity and 

that was taken earlier when she

was fired after twenty years.

VI.

she called this morning and when

he answered, the phone said,

"good morning darling."

the only he could do was smile,

but it was not seen by her who

wondered who had answered.

VII.

work had no laughter and no honor roll,

things were taken as needed...

work had no order or pretense that occurred,

work had us with which to play when

there was nothing else to try.

VIII.

her skirt was pulled tightly across her ass and

she walked as if that's what she was selling,

her thoughts were evil, not seductive and she

learned this all before she left high school.

IX.

the sun came up early this morning

and we arranged a quick departure,

we were afraid that the light would

bleach all of the lies we had told.

X.

our early morning adventure was postponed

since you had to plant in the garden...

or the field...  whatever...  and since you

were right-handed and worked on the end,

had to have remembered to wear something

that could be taken off once it go too hot.

The Untitled... from 1988, page 30

  

I.

it was your caring that I missed and

no longer did I need to wonder if your

feeling were really there or not...

it was your understanding that I missed

and how you just stood there looking

with not enough time to see it all...

what I miss is you and the way

I feel when I am around just you.

II.

I drove by...  honking the horn

at the car that took my place

and what was meant as romantic

was taken as the end of it all.

III.

our passion waited for us to discover it,

waited for us to bring it alive,

waited for us to use it in a manner

in which it had always been intended,

our passion was meant for us and not other.

IV.

"You say that you're going to pull plants today...

you mean you are going to work in the garden?"

"You mean a field,"  she replied, "it's seventy acres."

"it cannot be a field," he suggested,

"you play sports in a field."

"that's true," she agreed quite easily,

"but it cannot be a garden either, we're using a tractor."

"a tractor," he asked?

"yes...  and, tractors belong in a field."

V.

you held me together like

no other and after a while

it was easier to return home.

VI.

I was concerned about your future

until I saw how you let them easily

rob you of everything from your past.

VII.

as a lad I dreamed of

the adventure of sailing,

as a man I decided to

buy a family instead.

VIII.

she was the answer to all my

questions but the solutions

to my problems remained.

IX.

the wind whispers your name 

as it blows across my face,

the rain cleans my patience as

I received you open invitation,

birds sing a different tune since

you planted my feelings inside and

I want terribly to have you before 

my eyes close for the last time.

X.

I sat in a puddle of my own

thoughts feeling like it was

someone else's blood that had

nourished my imagination.

The Untitled... from 1988, page 29

  

I.

she felt his touch and fire

burning inside her...  a

desire that no one made

her feel before...  she

asked if he wanted to talk,

smiling, he shook his head.

II.

her long distance eyes found

him in the crowd and feeling

sorry for anyone who was lonely,

his sweaty hands drew her closer,

she knew she wanted him forever

and did not want to know what

it would be like to be without him.

III.

there is always a moment of grief

when we lose our compassion,

a sense of despair in liking ourselves

and an apprehension to let that

feeling be violated with love.

IV.

a few good men were needed to

repair her broken heart but she

chose a boy who had no experience.

V.

free from the crowd and glances

a moment or two...

a paranoid rediscovering of youth

it it ever was a joint venture

or a company of two...

free from any other choice

looking for each other in private.

VI.

there were out in force

those so called

sympathetic bastards

who pretend at best

to care about our feeling

when all they want

is a quick trip to bed.

VII.

who were we this morning

that we couldn't be last night?

what will be left behind

when all the dust settles?

VIII.

from the womb we were brought

and to it we return each night and

forgive them for our obsessions.

IX.

our weekend tears are shed for each 

other, then for ourselves and the 

misery of what we have gone through.

X.

and all they have time to do

is read the sports page, seeing

if it was written as they saw it.

The Untitled... from 1988, page 28

  

I.

coming home has never really

been something to enjoy...

coming home to your criticism

and constant antagonism.

II.

and you ask if I'll make love to her anymore

out of duty and thinking of you

don't do anything she will enjoy

there is no more of our future to discuss.

III.

"morning, I hit it early today!"

"oh?"

"yeah...  there's something they want me to do for them."

"oh?"

"yeah...  got to run...  see ya."

"have a nice day..."  

and, turning to the next one in line said,

"next."

IV.

the time came to prove himself and

he was afraid of disappointment,

so he acted irresponsibly...   he

didn't mind how he acted since

only he was the one to control that.

V.

she had reason not to trust him

feeling it necessary to try once more,

she had been giving him one more chance

most of their marriage it seemed...

it was too late to give up now.

VI.

she was just learning she said to explain

her lack of understanding...  he could have

accepted that before, but he had been

taking her to work for over two years...

how difficult could working at McDonald's be?

VII.

all the way home I thought of you

wondering why it was so difficult this time,

your face was pretty to hide from from me,

there were tears for you but not for me.

VIII.

it was late in the day for me

and yours had just begun...

there were no meals that

we could ever have together.

IX.

it was my turn and she came for me

I wasn't sure what she wanted but was

blessed to have been given the opportunity.

X.

she faced him for the first time

in days..,.  it was a month since

her separation and he was still

treating her like a black widow.

The Untitled... from 1988, page 27

  

I.

on the other side of the room,

she stood...  arms crossed and

angry...  those ugly words spoken,

and if she had said nothing,

he would have never known.

II.

she was a wild and crazy girl,

wanting sex more than he

had thought was possible...

no wonder the mane with

whom she spent her time had

been worn out and discarded.

III.

from outside the window

her husband looked...

as they made love, thinking

he was still bowling.

IV.

with every leaf she pulled she cussed

the minutes spent with men and the

gifts they had left with her...  with

every worn out muscle she claimed

that this would be another part of her

body no man would ever touch again.

V.

into their lives hate fell like rain

and neither of them understood

what prompted their reactions,

but day after day the misery they

endured inside was never ending.

VI.

and the more work provided her with opportunities

the less she did with her husband...

he would compete with no one for her time,

just as he did for her affection,

if she really understood him, then she would know,

he saw no point in duplication or being second.

VII.

no longer did they dream or 

enjoy each other's company

no longer did they concern themselves

with each other's feelings...

no longer did they care.

VIII.

she lived independently of him

during the week but on the weekends

wanted his attention like she

had given her attention at work.

IX.

can I survive you

after all these years?

you're the one waited for

now I cannot have you,

and if I could I suppose

would not ruin it

with a possible marriage.

X.

on thing is for sure

something is going on

between us that is 

disturbing as well as

a tad reassuring.

The Untitled... from 1988, page 26

  

I.

the time for us to make our

move and we did...  and it

wasn't long before everything

we knew caved in on us...

we learned to gracefully survive

not as good as some survived

but better than most survived.

II.

she waited for his response as he

continue to toy with her feelings,

the more she cared the less he offered,

and the less she was able to care,

the more he turned to others.

III.

she was not his at all

and never would be,

she only tolerated his

interests as she did with

so many others until

her time was spent alone.

IV.

to me her back was turned

and I watched when she

pulled her hair behind her ears,

she was worth waiting for

but never worth ignoring.

V.

he lifestyle had be adjusted to accommodate

her but their kinds prevented much involvement,

his approach was always the same...  her interests,

however, varied with her and what was appealing.

VI.

his thoughts shifted from the right

side to the left side and back again,

just in time to refresh his memory.

VII.

the decision they made to proceed was

based upon a critical need to replace

each other's loss with a more positive

approach to the love they both needed.

VIII.

it was a dream come true that

brought us together and the

reality of waking up that made

us see any future between us

was damn near next to impossible.

IX.

my heart beats fast from the

infusion of caffeine and the lack of

food to absorb its effects...  my

nervousness can be seen in the 

fingernails that are trimmed back

with my teeth...  my eyes dart

from object to object while the

last little bit of light lasts...  an

anxious scream is held inside

and my head feels like nothing

can put a stop to its spinning.

X.

I waited four hours for you

and that last hour was spent

denying you really loved me.