1998 Series - October #1

 

I.

the month of my birth

has rolled around again

and I recollect where I was

a year ago or two years

ago or three or four, and

I say to myself...  that I am

better off now than I was,

but that I'm still not where

I really want to be anymore.

II.

she is starved for attention

and yet she creates situations

where no male would want

to give her any...  so she

perpetuates where she was

and still is today and that is

why she will not belong to

one man but to many of them.

III.

I could wish for many things

but what I want most is someone

to trust as love always comes later.

1998 Series - September #5

 

I.

I have no attraction

left in me...

I have no more desire,

I have you...

but you don't want me,

not anymore than

you have to...

I am always depressed,

melancholy and blue,

I am dissatisfied

with my life just as

much as you are with me.

II.

the sun beats

down on me

in this car as

I wait for you

which is what

I always do...

you wait very

little for me as

you always have

something more

important to do.

1998 Series - September #4

 

I.

when does it all stop

with me or with another?

do I find what I am looking

for or do I just find a little

peace with what I have?

it is not all mine nor is it

all theirs...  but a combination

where I end up losing like

I always do and I really

wonder sometimes if the

powers that be want me 

to get anywhere at all...

Is my life just going to be

a constant struggle...  

never really amounting

to anything at all now?

II.

the longer this goes the worse

my confidence becomes and

the more anxious I get about

being unemployed again...

but what is worse is coming

home at night to her attitude

and wishing I was somewhere

anywhere else but where I am.

1998 Series - September #3

 I.

there may still be time

to continue for a year,

but certainly not much

past that time...  and

that may be all I need

to successfully change

careers and would that

be an ethical request 

for me to ask, given

the way these two people

discharge their duties?

II.

it is strange how my life

changes each day and it 

is strange how I am

confronted with these

issues that attempt to

mold me into a good

employee, rather than

waiting for an opportunity

to exact my revenge.

1998 Series - September #2

I.

I have no room to grow

with you...  no room to

exercise my own ideas

or dreams because you

do not want me to evolve

becoming better than you.

II.

it has been said many times

how women you know don't

want to be with a man who 

is prettier than they are...  and

this leads me to believe that

you share all those feelings.

1998 Series - September #1

I.

there is a danger all around me

beginning in my home and

moving outward...  I am a good

example of keeping your enemies

close...  there is  danger and I 

have no idea from whence it 

comes and do I need to really

as long as I know it is there

and always very close to me.

II.

one out of three has passed

and now I am left with two,

and a notebook full of all

my documentation and a

head full of new ideas and

no place to go with any of it.

 

1998 Series - August #5

 

I.

four months have passed

many more under

different circumstances

that we have been together,

and there was a break

in the action...  giving us

both a chance to explore

other possibilities and with

our return, we have brought

with us all those unpurchased

feelings of distrust and 

suspicion...  as well as all the 

fears associated with each,

we are curious and apprehensive

that "what may be" is just

around the corner and it is

our wish of impatience that

we both have encouraged...

is on our doorstep now.

II.

we want to learn and understand

each other even when it is contrary

to what we both perceive...  and,

when we do and it falls short of

expectations, we conclude our

attempt has failed and not to try

again...  but, in so doing we have to

see that improved communications

involves cause and effect on a

continual basis and not just once

or twice or thrice when needed.

1998 Series - August #4

 

I.

I see darkness all around me

this morning but not inside...

I see the end of the night and

the beginning of the day...

both within and without...

I see hope and purpose and

clarity...  I believe that I must

continue to search this day

and a few more until I am

released into this world, prepared

to face most of it...  if not all of it...

and the tasks that are ahead of me.

II.

put me into the fires of hell and I

will not burn...  and, not because

I am special...  unique...  or better

than anyone else...  but because

I am pure of heart...  innocent...

and not prepared in any way to

do the work of the devil...  so,

put me into a cauldron of flames

and I will be a glorious and

graceful beginning to my end.

1998 Series - August #3

 I.

if I were to fall would you

pick me back up?

if I were to scream would you

comfort me a little?

if I were to fail would you

help me rise above it all?

if I were to need help would you

say, "too much has come of it?"

if anything were to happen to me

it would be my responsibility

not yours to find my way back

through it all...  hopefully returning

to where I was maybe a little better.

II.

one by one your bring me fools and

one by one I listen...  and, one day

it will be up to me to sort through

the ambiguities of life and find my

place of co-existence with all the

other fools...  it will be up to me to

find my place...  to find what it is

that makes me happy and what it is

that I must do in order to succeed.

1998 Series - August #2

I.

there are reasons and excuses and blame

but mostly there is always another person

on which a majority of the problems can

be attributed...  and, in my case, it is always

me...  because I am outspoken and that is

always interpreted as being unhappy...

yet for me, it is twofold: an opportunity to

cope with the situation or an opportunity

to make improvements and change...  so,

it can be rather positive in a collective way.

II.

there is much for which I should be

thankful and I am...  my wife and my

nice house...  my job for at least a few

months longer...  and some friends

who have agreed to help...  my debt

has been eliminated for a month or two;

my integrity is intact along with my

values and honesty and my health seems

to be hanging in as best as it can...

my physical strength and my determination

all seems to be working well as I bring

for all my previous experiences on which

I constantly depend and my ability to

communicate is pointed but all of this

will not prevent me from dying one day.

 

1998 Series - August #1

I.

one thing is for sure and that is

when it is over and they know 

they have won, they are friendly

and willing to do all sorts of things

and you see them as hypocritical,

wondering why you have been

given another chance with them,

if, you will ever find a place in the 

world to where a future can be

counted upon, gradually losing

everything you worked hard for,

then you should not hold your

breath because you are dying.

II.

I love this woman dearly...  she's

what I want and yet something is

missing in my life...  so, is that

attributed to her or to my lack of

possibilities?    searching for the

right partner...  finding myself...

becoming the center of controversy,

I wonder what has been said or not said

and why I need to know either way...

it is neither up nor down for me as it

is all turning and find myself reaching

for nothing on which to hold onto.

 

1998 Series - July #5

 

I.

those around seem to 

be curious as to what it

is I am writing aabout

since I am not in here

to eat like they are...

and it eats away at them

somewhat because it is

not an easy puzzle unless

there is more information.

II.

beside me you lay

your body warm and tender

as I fear the worst.

1998 Series - July #4

 

I.

one by one

my thoughts

are passed

along from

me to you...

and

one by one

your store

them as

squirrels would

forgetting

where you

put them all.

II.

I see a sunset and

feel good...  I see

a sunrise and feel

better...  there is so

much beauty around

us and so little time

to appreciate it...

beauty does not

translate into dollars

unless it is associated

with sex and then

it becomes ugly.

1998 Series - July #3

 

I.

there still seems to be

a barrier between us,

something that you don't

see but is sensed...

there still seems to be a

lack of trust between us

as uncertainty about our

future and how long we 

will remain together grows;

you saying I like women too 

much when in reality it is more 

like you desiring men too much...

we will always be cautious

as to how long this will last.

II.

I see the doubts in your face

I see the apprehensions too

I see the pain and suffering

I see the insubordination

I see the longing to be free

and the reluctance and inability

to accept that which you have.

1998 Series - July #2

 

I.

I want to be positive

I need to be positive

a new behavior...

a challenge...  who knows

what may happen today.

II.

I wish I had a better handle

on what my life is all about...

but right now it is to struggle

with that notion...  and end an

internal struggle to identify

the lastest talent that I have.

III.

I am short in thought today

and wonder if it is because

if I feel nervous where I am.

1998 Series - July #1

I.

enough for one day

these changing thoughts

let my mind absorb

what I have done as it

finds a way to put its

wickedness to rest...

and learns to be

at peace with itself.

II.

I have come to the end

of my journey...  as I see

what needs to be done,

but in so doing I have

begun another journey

that will be more like an

adventure, releasing the

creative person inside 

that the little boy never

could find...  because he

had never found a way

to leave home until now.

 

1998 Series - June #5

 

I.

tell me how

you feel...

tell me if

this will be

like before...

tell me if you

know how to create

these arguments

so you can 

spend time

with someone else

like you did before

with me.

II.

there is no happiness

in our lives anymore...

each of us blaming

the other person...

reluctantly agreeing

that we might have

contributed a little...

but no more,

making sure our anger

keeps us standing

with our backs turned

on the edge of tomorrow.

1998 Series - June #4

 

I.

I can imagine

now it will feel

to be there

watching...

and partaking

in the experience,

especially with

the understanding

it is with strangers

who feel I have

something to offer

that will make 

their lives better

and more complete

as it will mine.

II.

will you understand

this evening and what

you have done to me

or will do tomorrow

or the next day cannot

continue for days...

it is not normal for 

lovers to act like this.

1998 Series - June #3

 I.

it is a matter of change

and being stubborn

and that is more important

to each of us than is

anything else...  especially

after coming from twenty

years of submissive behavior.

II.
I see clearly now

at least more so

that ever before,

wishing I had someone

on which I could count

realizing that I am and

always will be it

would appear on

my own from now on.




III.

I see you in my dreams

in my fantasies 

you are unknown to me

and will remain that way

but for me...  loving you

this way is safe and easy.

1998 Series - June #2

 I.

I have looked for answers in many

other places...  too numerous to

mention and after fifty years of 

searching and seeing others will all 

the answers, I am unable to receive... 

or to believe it is time for me to stop this 

silly quest and just learn to live a little.

II.

what I have is nothing but it is more

than some...  less than others...  the

only difference is that I find myself

still in the middle of it all...  trying

trying to be like all the others here.

III.

I was given

something at

birth that will

only be revealed

to me when it

is the proper

time to be seen.

1998 Series - June #1

 

I.

life fades as changes are

made and we grow older...

events that occupied so

much time seem meaningless...

we strive for purpose where

there is none and the truth

is as fleeting as an eye wink.

II.

my mind and heart do not agree

oftentimes...  so when one is active

the other is not...  and my behavior

reflects the changes in attitude...

prolonged exposure to this type

of routine has resulted in my

defenses being on alert and a wall

is permanently constructed to

prevent emotional disappointments...

of course, it does not always work

and I have found myself for the

most part of my life in some sort

of emotional crisis all the time.

1998 Series - May #5

 

I.

I do not want to live in a marriage 

where one is taken for granted by 

another...  even though, that is how

I acted in my first marriage...   I do

not want to live in a marriage where

everything revolves around one

person, nor do I want to live in 

a marriage where sex is used as a

weapon and where the two of us are

competitors in everything we do.

II.

I will concede that

I over-reacted if you

will concede that you

took advantage of my

sexual desire for you.

1998 Series - May #4

 I.

you quit your job for me

but you continue to take me

for granted...  worse than before,

and I am left wondering

why you even bothered.

II.

we are both cautious but I am

becoming more and more

indifferent...  and, it is because

you seem to find something

wrong with me every day and

I just don't really care anymore.

III.

who will be the one to lay against

your softness and feel the emptiness

of your heart and not care as long as

they have been able to conquer you.

1998 Series - May #3

I.

I have forgotten that my 

strength lies in my ability

to be patient while letting

you succeed at failing to

control your attraction to

other males at your work.

II.

no man wants another

woman who is acting

as if she is looking to

find another man soon.

III.

the roots roam freely for

this tree and others that I

see in this forest and with

them being so close together,

surely they will have roots

that are intertwined...  so,

which ones will survive and

which ones will not?  and,

who's to say that anyone 

should have that power.

1998 Series - May #2

 

I.

you have crossed my path

once before in my dreams,

I know your face...

I have seen you before...

you robbed me of my sleep

but not again...  no more;

take your foolish fantasies

and put them in someone

else's mind because I am

too clever now...  I have

been burned so many times.

II.

my heart cries out to you

and to those who are like you

but I fear it is a conspiracy

against my happiness

and I will keep my prison

well guarded from the likes of you

and my table shall be

covered with fine linens and

you shall be my guest first

then my rival and  in time

the enemy of my soul.

1998 Series - May #1

 I. 

if I sit here

long enough

will I find

the woman

of my dreams

or my purpose

in life or

have those both

been answered

for me already...

I just don't

know where

to find them.

 II.

I have brought you

into this life and I

can take you out...

and if I do...  then,

what will become

of my ego and the

real person I hide?

1998 Series - April #5

 

I.

there is a marriage

hanging over my head

and there are strong

feelings for this woman

as she has the same 

for me but I wonder

if we will ever love.

II.

it rained all night

keeping me awake

but I wonder if

I would have slept

if the rain had not come

since there are so many

issues floating around

on the pools of all

my collective thoughts.

III.

I have no problems

bring my negative

thoughts in focus,

and do that very well,

but what of my

positive thoughts and

the need of attention

in that distant area.

1998 Series - April #4

 I.

my life is more complicated

than it was years ago and I

am, in part, to blame for it

since there is very little I

can do to say no and when

I do it is a marvel of self-

restraint and I always wish

I had more than I currently

have but the resources are

not there to back me up.

II.

I ramble on in the hopes

that one day I will write

the classic poem that 

everyone in school reads

and studies knowing that

their comments will not

always be that positive.

1998 Series - April #3

 

I.

thoughts race through my head

like flashes of lights that cannot

be clearly seen or held...  yet, I 

know I must find a way to put

it all in order by removing those

feelings over which I have no

control and never will have.

II.

life is a balancing act

one day it moves to the left

the next day to the right,

and we as adults must find

the equilibrium that suits us

or slowly drive ourselves

into an abyss of insanity.

III.

my head wants to perceive a world

where only the naive survive...

where the ruthless and the powerful

are looked down upon as they possess

inappropriate behaviors...  where each

of us are asked to discard our burdens

and become enlightened into a world

of peace...   and happiness...  and joy...

love and joy...  awareness and harmony.

1998 Series - April #2

I.

we begin each day with the notion

of doing our best regardless of our

limitations or the ignorance around

us...  letting ourselves become free

of control over ourselves and those

around us...  and by achieving this

level of detachment, we will be

able to conquer the monster that

lives inside us all and who keeps

us from understanding who we are.

II.

my head swims in the

darkness of thoughts,

sometimes swiftly

sometimes not...

my body drifts aimlessly

sometimes attached

sometimes not...

to the purpose of my 

constant endeavors...

my head knows not

the way of salvation

or of recuperation of its

labors, only that it must

continue to continue

until the waters of darkness

are no more and the light

that is found is pure and

simple...  giving pause to

the body and the mind

simultaneously...  and the

resulting joy is wonderous

as I have been told and

absolutely overwhelming.