June 1989 - page 5

1.

some believed perdetermined with no choice

some believed perdetermined with choice

others believed only negative choices

other believed both good and bad choices

I believe all choices were unanimous.

2.

in the parking lot we

discussed options and

what one is willing to

trade in order that one

can remain employed.

3.

slow motion they work

disregarding what/s to be

only what will be.

4.

never again will the

same thought occupy

its orig9inal space.

5.

I have learned to control

those forces who seek me out

to predict what will be said,

I have imagined their

lessening of control

witnessing it being so.

6.

it was a poor attempt

but the couple expressed

their brand of friendship,

upsetting the children

boos and hisses from the adults.

7.
she was in command

in control...

take charge...  and those

around left her alone.

8.

it has been a good five years

or more that I began

to write my feelings on paper,

out of those thousands of ideas

perhaps a hundred

or so are worth the

paper on which they are written.

9.

memories no longer linger

fall though my mind

like flour through a sifter.

10.

we were like watching a full length

motion picture whose sotry is

remembered but whose details are unclear.

June 1989 - page 4

1.
wednesday arrived

quite unexpectedly

surprising even

the most patient

of individuals who

only liked Mondays.

2.

there was a deliberate change

in attitude as they adjusted

their mentality for the weekend.

3.

the format changes with each

change in direction that is

prompted by a change in seats.

4.

how familiar do we become

\with each other before we can

learn how much to take?

5.

a fable came my way about a man who

called for help when not needed and

reminded me of how we have reached

out for each other when not needed,

two insects feeding off of one another

but never really needing each other.

6.

the money was counted by a button

on which was a picture of the purchaser

and if the button were to be damaged

no money by the clerk could be determined.

7.

she heard his voice and

did not turn back to look,

she felt his breath and

tried to act natural,

she knew he had left and

was flirting with another.

8.

it was uncomfortable being

here but not impossible,

it was encouraging not

to have many around and

it was foolish to be this

way but it was comfortable.

9.

there were many of us who were

confused by the morning baricades

overcoming them for more coffee.

10.

she was with me

wanting to be alone

wanting to be safe

with what I offered.

June 1989 - page 3

1.

an historic event is created

then one can demonstrate

and without the event there 

no established precedent.

2.

the suckers were removed and

put in fresh soil and are droopy

in the morning because of bugs,

one cannot grow without knowledge.

3.

if their ability to handle

moneu is not up to par

at least their politeness is.

4.

we were foolish teenagers

who tried to possess an

attitude that could only

be derived from scars.

5.

holidays put the worst of us in

good spirits knowing that going

down is what we're headed into.

6.

it was no issue

not to those of us who knew

it was tyupical.

7.

there were baby pictures

on the wall...  everywhere,

and no parents in sight

to wtch over and no reason

to do anything more.

8.

twenty seven and seventy seven

shooting at birds through a window,

a little kid hides in us at any age.

9.

lovers live in my mind

like a ping-pong game,

once the score is reached

a new partner is found,

feeling bounce back and forth

across the net sometimes

with english and sometimes not,

yet one must always win by two.

10.

all in all

these younger kids

look less

formidable

than we were

at that age,

but their outward

appearance is

considerably

more developed.

June 1989 - page 2

1.

the account was settled

months ago...  but we

still managed to make

deposits and withdrawals

with our emotional interest.

2.

our souls united, joined by

the sirit and the flesh until

that pledge is broken,

violated by the unnatural if

what we are is natural.

3.

she was impossible to deal with but

we made the attempt only to find

ourselves lost in a battle of too

little or just a little too much discipline.

4.

behind the ear at the base

of the skull it pushes in

as if its attempt was to

burst my head wide open.

5.

he say and she brought the tray

she asked if napkins he had gotten,

"no" was all he said and she

returned to the counter somewhat

pissed that he had not helped at all.

6.

he had her for the day so off

to Mickey D's they went...

over breakfast, questions about

her mother were asked when she

invited him over to see for himself.

7.

one in three including a break

a moment of bruth or pure fantasy

a routine seldom broken or intruded upon,

singularity:  a cowboy syndrom.

8.

they advertise each day

with the clohtes they wear,

always expecting a response

that would lead to nowhere.

9.

unexpectedly, water rose

in the tiny stream,

flooding their homes like

the humans from which

they unexpectedly fled.

10.

her memory lingered and he wondered

why it had been different with her...

she was no better than the rest of them

and their future had been short lived

because of all her roving options/

June 1989 - page 1

1.

on saturday they begin early so

not much of the day will be mine,

then monday is the day for rest

since Sunday is done the same way.

2.

clouds overhead block our view

streams flow underground

animals always feeding

it is a habitat now

too uncivilized.

3.

I can for a proper education

not one that won't learn me anything,

one I cannot use...  it is not

the book knowledge that I crave.

4.  

heat runs parallel

to our feelings and

the way we now

must try to get along.

5.

it was a purpose she lacked

finding it not in college but

with her own desires...  and

observations...  some things

would just not work for her.

6.

saturdays are bad enough and

worse when mixed with holidays,

intruding upon my silence and

the public use of it be damned.

7.

heat filled the void

inflating our egos

puffing our self-confidence

with more of what

can never be used...

heat fill our spirits

giving us purpose

giving us pause

to reconsider our options

before the cold returned.

8.

volatile feeling

enrich our lives daily as

we refurbish them.

9.

spending money is

given as a way to cleanse

us from not borrowing.

10.

poetry and math

superimpose themselves on

the routines of life.

May 1989 - page 5

1.

pound on my home

the rain persists

beating then retreating

then beating again,

hurling itself at my shelter

tearing it down

with no caring or remorse,

how angry she is this year.

2.

there was no love between us

there never was,

I just told you what you wanted to hear

or though you wanted me to say,

we went out...  we kissed...

and later went to bed...

that may have been love for you,

but it was sex for me,

you were a frightened little girl

two failed marriages

no real future for your children

a father who committed suicide

no one knows why,

you have no respect for yourself

and abuse your body for

some kind of punishment,

I was no different for you

at the beginning,

but there was a difference

to which you tried to cling,

but that's not love and

it will never be for us now.

3

on the porch or patio

of my dreams for

the day ahead of me,

my thoughts are

warmed by the manifestation

of the sung through the

shiled of protective plastic,

instant pudding flashes

across my mind and a

Cardinal soars to greater

heights that before I arrived,

all at once I am confronted

and befriended by the

sounds that can only be

heard inside one's mind.

4.

I get disappointed with

their responses and you

want me to organize and

exercise my rights to get

more of what I want...

man...  is this what your

education teaches you?

I want no part of it,

I am satisfied with my

education and experience

and the struggle I earned.

5.

I gave my word

and you say that

is not enough for you,

I have nothing left

to give you or even

offer since you 

cannot accept honor.

6.

no one was at hom

when I arrived,

no one took my hand

and offered friendship,

no one challenged

what I believed or

provided a solution,

no one dared to change

the way it always was.

7.

and after eleven weeks

of beating their heads

against the wall, he

announced he was 

leaving and student

returned after class to

ask if he would reconsider;

it was an emotional time

a far away time and he

had nothing left to share

with them especially since

they would never listen.

8.

a strained relationship at best

each expecting the other to see

what was not expressed,

assuming the worst even

when it did not occur...

looking for things to 

perpetuate the animosity

which was more important

that extending a solution...

without the hate there

would be nothing at all.

9.

there was nothing better than

watching these educators talk

as if they really supported

something, knowinmg that was

the last thing on their minds,

educators were synomous with

politicians and both spoke

with forked tongue statements.

10.

she had something that

belonged to him...

it no longer provided

their symbol...

it was a mystic charm

received years ago,

she had given the charm

to remind him that

after her...  he would

never love another,

it has come to pass and

each time he offers the

charm the affair ends,

hoping each time the evil

inside will be released.

May 1989 - page 4

1.

an exception grew between us

one that would be remembered

keeping us apart forever now.

2.

I see you in my dreams

eyes foe seduction

lips for kissing

breasts for carassing

and a body to be beside

and make love to,

I see you in my dreams

and reality always has

you with another

and my thoughts always

tremble from from the

desires of your lovers.

3.

there was a militant aspect

to his personality and

hers as well...  one that defied

logic and one that would certainly

change the probability of success.

4.

you call only when

there's something you

want and I like a fool

give you that in the hopes

that you will respond

to me in a sexual

favorably manner...

I'm always wrong.

5.

it is months

since we had 

talked and

months since

we had felt

each other's

insides and we

saw love because

it had been been

there once before.

6.

it was a young evening

to an old day...  aspects

of morning lingered

through lunch and into

the early afternoon...

outside light peered

into our window in an

overbearing way until

dinner was served then

desert...  liquor...  and a

cigar...  it was a young\

evening to an old day,

it was a fire that would

soon burn itself out.

7.

"what if," she said?

"why not," he responded?

"because," she insisted!

"But, what if," he replied?

8.

from the southwest it came

as fierce as any...

in a northeast direction

it proceeded...

destruction in its wake,

a new path cleared

from watch to warning

not personal and

no guidelines...  just a

wing and a prayer.

9.

help us to determine

that it be fine to disagree,

that we can agree to

disagree...  and save our

best approach for later

or even second would do,

a compromise of sorts

perhaps tentative...  we

move on...  forgetting this

disagreement ever was.

10.

hyperactive is the mind

actually the thoughts therein

is what we see or thing

we see...  having no knowledge

of them at all...  lines come

easily not knowing where

they belong...  forcing the

rest to follow is not my idea

of inspiration or being

creatively imagined either.

May 1989 - page 3

1.

we are outlaws

living without a fmaily

without friends,

depending upon similars

with which to band,

and fulfill the need 

from which we rean.

2.

thoughts blow through my mind

like tiny tornadoes, as each one\

destroys a little more of my sanity.

3.

helplessly forgiving

seeking reinforcement

a silent innocence

begging for a hand slap

or vertal abuse even

from those who are\

unconscious providers,

tears of joy and sorrow

roll down the cheeks

big brown eyes look

up to assk "why?"

4.

she called last night and

I was not there and did not

pursue a reason for the call.

5.

it was almost a year gone by

hate was more prevelent

less forgiving and

more determined not to be,

it was a bad time

no laughter

tensions remained high

we both knew

a relentless battle

not about right or wrong

nor loss of love

or amale versus female,

procrastination

played a big role

feeding our egos

and our hate

objecting not to each other but

into what we had been molded.

6.

courage rested at

my doorstep and I was too

lazy to be nice.

7.

we fought all the time

opposing for the sport of it

not realizing

our resentments grew.

8.

they were interesting

but none worth pursuing

since capture

meant a handshake and a

mistaken point-of-view.

9.

outside the wind

shilled a late spring

and crops were delayed

from the rain and

everything seemed to be

operating the wrong way

and we were being

pulled along by its currents

helpless and a little

scared of it all inside.

10.

a memory was created

from our relationship,

one that others might want

just to know what not to do.

May 1989 - page 2

1.

she could not show she cared

so she conveyed her appreciation

and he refused to accept it,

she was too easy

he was too late,

she was angry

and he obsessed with his own ego,

mentally she was miles above him

but physically she could

never keep them close.

2.

he told her he had left his wife

and she knew not to ask more,

it was never theirs to hae

and she would try no more.

3.

he had his church on Sunday

driving their car during the week,

keeping down a full time job

and not ever looking back,

not today or tomorrow

or ever...  he had it made.

4.

for a short while we were away

but with a mechanism to return,

our feelings of despair and rejection

were not real and never would

be real as long as there was someone

on which to fall...  we pretended

with divorce as easily as we

pretended with our marriage.

5.

it was an insult that

you greeted me with

your "give a shit"

attitude, expecting to

simply take it or

leave it scanarios.

6.

if she is asked and refuses

then one has permission, but

if she responds unattractively

then one has no permission.

7.

hate burned inside us both

our blood boiled in our veins

our mental anguish jolted us

into a symbolic retreat,

anger fed us today and tomorrow

our bellies would empty next week

our hearts would be wounded

and scared...  forgiveness was

as eveil as happiness and we

would never know this or never

have to use the appropriate behavior.

8.

a mistake to care

to drop those shields

perhaps show...

some understanding,

a moment that if

surfaced would...

undo us both.

9.

I cannot bear to think

that all ove is like ours

and that we continue

to endure this because

it is our punishment for

marriage in the first place.

10.

our time is always

less than cordial

when together so

why are we still

together?  why not?

May 1989 - page 1

1.

an end to a long day

reflecting carefully

on what was not done,

getting further behind

feeling guilty...

empowered with the skills

to do anything...

but nothing gets accomplished,

just a little but

hardly more than that...

on the curb of the back porch

I see the world

in front of me

and can imagine nothing else

except what my eyes see

and my fingers feel

or is it the opposite?

it ends and then begins again

and we try each day

to complete our plans

and are foiled...

reflecting and wondering

drifting and dreaming

always making an attempt.

2.

music from next door

providing a current of beats,

upstream syncopation,

thundering harmony,

bass vibrations pounding

from one channel and

voices from the other,

a though provoking madness

of mindless discord...

and I look for some kind

of social significance...

music from next door

calls me through a sort of

rock and roll telepathy,

a foot tapping morse code

ageless as the words are

meaningless but that's the

point...  never was and 

never should have been,

it's music pur and simple

that gives is its reasoning.

3.

a cool night and a

gentle breeze cools the

first sunburn of the summer,

an initiation with the

rites of spring or manhood,

seemingly a tan body

will hide one's baldness,

a night all I see is the

morning that will come

too soon, beginning again

what should have stopped

years ago... a lesson 

repeated is one never

learned...  not this time,

a cool night of apprehension

regulating my time and my

life and the rites that

make us feel what cannot

be changed too greatly

too overwhelmingly

to bear the pain of it

all and suffer any longer.

4.
bear one's soul

and remove

yesterday's fears

from one's 

vocabulary or

a solitary life 

will be your

future prison.

5.

captured in undressed silence

bound and left there to be

looked upon and admired and

touched and remain behind

for those who come next

to find wantonness and in need

of somethiong more than just

a silemnt night or first day,

more like fatherly reassurance.

6.

it was a process much

like other systems...

how to measure education

the learning process

or not learned skills

and at what point-in-time

do educators step into view?

questioning their peers?

it was measured and

could be analyzed and

somewhat predicted.

7.

she was in class

paying attention

to what he said

wondering what

was going to

happen to him

after class in a

sexual connotation.

8.

she was too young to

experience the uncertainties

that were usually

reserved for adults,

nevertheless, she was confronted

with her own mortality

and it scared her terribly.

9.

I was tired and slow to see

that she was using my

weaknesses to support her

ever reassuring loneliness.

10.

clouds formed overhead

lightening raced horizontally

across the sky...  rain fell

quickly, filling buckets

dampening our prospects

and lethargic souls.

April 1989 - page 5

1.

she complained about his never eating

and always working and his thinness,

he began to stay at home and eat...

now, she complains about his laziness

and his over-weight condition.

2.

there were always reasons

and justifications, especially

from those who accomplished

nothing at all for several yuars.

3.

I could not bear to hurt you

and my actions cause that

to happen all the time...

I am a contradiction.

4.

self reflection

evaluation

to the last detail pursued

accomplishing nothing

without self esteem.

5.

it was youth betrayed and

old age annointed to bridge

the gap of twenty years.

6.

she owned her own place

bringing men there

at her leisure...  her youth

lacked the focus that was

later found between her legs.

7.

not much went undetected

she was an inspector

of quality control... when it

did not pass she would

re-inspect it anyway, almost

finding it to be acceptable.

8.

it was just a little depression

I felt...  a slight case of the

doldrums cause by the weather,

women, and work...  the very

worst possible combination.

9.

parking lots were made for talking

if not their original purpose...  for

more converstaions were made there

than in the classroom, trading notes

and assignments and tests and names

and numbers and making dates

whent it was more or less convenient.

10.

too many things

were on his mind,

being pulled tino

all sorts of directions

none of it, his choice.

April 1989 - page 4

1.

On the way walking

talking and laughing

at the contentment

we felt knowing that

it would just be brief.

2.

a couple of us left

outspoken yet

otherwise silent,

leaving because of

rumors years ago

branding us bad

instead of different.

3.

tonight was a long time coming

but when it finally did arrive

it was worth every second of

the passion we gave each other.

4.

they tease each other

struggling with an

identity that goes

beyond what they have

now and into a complex

psychological maze

of hidden feelings,

suppressed anger and

parental guilt...  they

tease unaware of the

bad vibes stirred up.

\
5.

they were cleared of all the charges

except those they filed against

each other to stop living alone.

6.

preserve our memories

as something of wonder

of which we can be aware

when we have passed seventy.

7.

it was in the park were we had

all his work...

walking and talking and reading

poetry he had written,

it was always his choice to fulfill

this fantasy.

8.

she was at the counter

beside him once again

asking if he liked

breasts of chicken...  he

said he never cared

too much for poultry.

9.

it was temporary

thing about him,

it would pass

in time...  but...

she would not let

herself forget him

10.

he chose partners with

whom he could never have a

future life at all.

April 1989 - page 3

1.

we had different upbringings

different misunderstandings

and had no idea how to

complement one another.

2.

the sun was meant to shine

and we were meant to be happy

which to some is success and

to others is occasionally earned.

3.

we are each other's dreams

metaphors of each other's love

absolute pleasure

distilled feelings

forever dependent upon the

term of for better or worse.

4.

I had tried three times and

three times lost,

it did not take a fool

to see what was happening.

5.

with clomping footsteps

and quickness, she

moved like someone in charge

but was only in a hurry.

6.

there was no pause for us

the pace always quickened,

yet in all this anxiety I

noticed how beautiful you are.

7

she regulated the truth

in her family, letting

only what she wanted

to be know by all.

8.

there were many forms of loneliness

and there need not be any...

after keeping many from that fate

expect something in return.

9.

heat brought forth

moisture bubbles

across his forehead,

dizziness and a

fainting spell...  it

cooled the sensations

and when passed a

little order was restored.

10.

seniors came into the place

for the first time...  it was

the only place in town that

hadn't been invaded by them.aC

April 1989 - page 2

1.

each month starts out the same

with a few little twists

but basically the same,

it is a boring life I live until

I am able to meet someone new.

2.

they fit tight around

and I feel myself inside them

touching what she likes

delighting as both in the excitement.

3.

it is one more that

I offer in honor of

yesterday's audience.

4.

she comes to bed after he is asleep

thinking he will not see a pattern,

he does and she acts like he's crazy.

5.

the word divorce has been used

by them often and each time to scare

except this time it was really meant.

6.

she was nothing fancy

or nothing plain she 

was there to please.

7.

it was a busy place this morning

no one could explain why,

it could have been the weather

or maybe it was just a nice day.

8.

he was offended

by her accusations,

and to make her happy

gave her reasons

for the claims she made.

9.

it was something neither could forget

it prevented trust and cooperation,

it was somewhat disgusting making

them wish they had never met.

10.

we were prevented from success

by our attitudes, finding it

difficult to understand how

some could always appear happy.

April 1989 - page 1

1.

a long way from home I am

with no chance of getting back,

wanting is much worse when

one cannot make it happen.

2.

they sit there like two peas

almost everyday I see

if I were to mind my own business

I would still notice their habits

and their interest in each other.

3.

a husband for her son

she wanted...

no matter who he was

she thought...

as long as not a criminal

she mused...

it wasn't alone she wanted.

4.

it was a madhouse

nothing could be worse

and then she left and

none of us were the same.

5.

it's nature's way to

exist among the bad and

leave the good alone.

6.

she was single

and he was not,

she was a tease

and he was not,

she worked on him

and he on his wife.

7.

it was a family conversation

mother, father, and the kids all talking,

at the same time...

different times and pitches of noise

that annoyed all those close.

8.

after the divorce he

was more subdued

more gentle than before,

defeated and angry

which he kept inside.

9.

into his life she

emerged and he was like a

fish out of water.

10.

she though she knew him

well enough to know when he

was involved or not.

March 1989 - page 5

1.

it was a lie...  her loving me,

no intimacy...  no touchy feely

kinds of things...  no kissing

no holding...  no sentimentality;

it was a lie...  her loving me,

there had been no caring for years

there had been no fondness or friendship

there had been no romancing

it was a lie alright...  her loving me.

2.

I need to bury my love for you

since there's nothing physical so

I can find someone and fall in love

to meet my physical needs again.

3.

she could make love to a man

if she did not love him,

he could make love to a woman

only if he did love her,

they love each other but had not

made love in months,

he needed to bury his love for her

so a new love could be found,

she did not want to lose the

only man she'd ever loved,

it was really finished this time

she had lost him for good...

he had promised never to stop

loving her...  of that she reminded him,

it was true...  but that love would

be buried so deep it would not count,

and they would both love again.

4.

he was hers or so

she thought until the platonic

love was not enough.

5.

I am beginning to hate you

for hating me...  it's like

everything else I say you

don't believe and everything

I do is hiding something;

it's like you don't trust me

and for good cause...  but now

you'll prove you're right

in what you see even when

you're wrong...  no more.

6.

we die a little more each day

each time we are together,

when on the telephone

it is a little different though.

7.

you scored me wrong

but what the hell...

there's plenty more

and while you're at it

bring me one over here.

8.

the evening robs us

keeps us from clear sight

soothes us to sleep so

in the morning we can

take back what she took.

9.

they were silent crimes

more or less

except for the cries

of sorrow

of happiness

of anger

of bitterness

I heard...  it was an

elegant feast we ate

in honor of our

last night

spent outside of bars,

they were crimes

but the hate

came later,

after the tears.

10.

she faulted all

I would try

bragging from

her being

a bitch...  she

refused to care,

saying those days were

buried in the

casket along with

her dreams...  she

gave no warning for

her flight but

left much unspoken

which is how

she always was...

she hated me and

my talking and

my guessing and

my infidelity...

but most of all she

hated me because

she still loved me.

March 1989 - page 4

1.

she was a bitter young lady

enraged at her parents

angry at boy who used her

disappointed with needing attention

molested by age which kept

her just out of everyone's reach.

2.

it was a start

a fresh one at that,

it was embarrassing for

both of us as it was

for her...  I'm sure,

it had pulled us apart and

was bring us together,

a unified disharmony

in general with life,

with its disappointments

with its unhappiness

with its sentiments of love

with its violence and

with its waste...  yet,

it was a start

and we were both

there ready to bear arms

if necessary to

replace and restock.

3.

it was my wagon

my red wagon and you

cannot ride with me

unless you agree

with me in charge.

4.

it was a remedy

not a solution,

band aid approach

or fires that we were

taught not to start

yet seem to put out.

5.

she fixed my attitude

with a good evening in bed

paid for by my wife

and upon returning home

was not questioned

as to where I'd been.

6.

she was livid

as were her friends

with their late arrival

since they had to stay

until her friends

came to town

from the farm

where they lived.

7.

it was for himself

he lived

until she left him

with the bills and

he soon located

another wife.

8.
we waited a short time like

being put on telephone hold,

with the one who answers

coming back to question

your patience and continuance.

9.

there were reasons

all unacceptable

all too loosely tied,

there were rumors

if we'd listen

too minute to matter

too insignificant with

which to be concerned

but there were reasons

for all of this happening.

10.

those were her toys with 

which she played...

puzzles and people

ropes and knots

books and bottles

and there were no

acknowledgements and

there were no regrets

for what had to be done.