December 1999 - page 1

1.

we spend our lives trying to find

happiness by looking externally

at who we are and what we have;

happiness is withinin us all

at least the potential...  it is a state

of mind where we accept who we

are and all that we currently have.

2.

you are like my parents wanting me to

be who I am not so you can have what

you want when you want it...  not really

caring about me and what I can provide.

3.

what I do...  I do for you...  is not something

I can say except partially...  what I do...  I do

for me so I can give you what you need and

hope that whatever it is...  is enough for you.

4.

I am a man caught in the middle

of finding himself and pleasing

someone who he feels he has to

keep...  with the underlying

feeling that she would leave in

a heart beat if she felt her life

would be better that what it is

with me...  and, my thoughts are

that is not much to base love on.

5.

I wish my life was a little more sable

even if i was building computers for

forty hours each week at ten an hour.

6.

God has a plan for me, not yet revealed,

it is a plan where I find peace-of-mind,

self-rewards and joy...  God has a plan

for me, not yet revealed...  where I will

use my talents that He wanted me to have.

7.

I see the fuiture for me and it is unclear...

I see the past for me and know that it has

brought me here...  I see today and srrive

to do the best I can accepting what it is.

8.
can I tell you how I feel or

will you laugh at me or

politely ask me to leave you.

9.

everyday I awake to darkness

and write until it is light...

hoping that the words I put

down will eventually be

more than a reflection of me.

10.

my confidence is returning

my belief in myself

my self-esteem is poised high

to carry my attitude...

I regret very little about

what has been done to me,

except to say,

I am sorry for all the pain

I have caused...   and as I

look inward for a little repair

maybe one day I will feel

comfortable with who I am.

November 1999 - page 5

1.

this is what you have done for me

and this is what I must do for you,

an equal trade or swap...  tit for tat...

so they say...  quid pro quo... and

since I have received your you must

now find a way to receive mine.

2.

how does one prepare one's self for

this kind of transformation this late

in life with noi real means of support

with financial or otherwise...  unless,

one does so because one believes?

3.

I am amazed by all the violence

in our country and accross the

world in the name of salvation.

4.

you do your thing and I do mine,

we sleep together but we are not

really together...  and, the life we

had is gone...  so, now our new

life must be for ourselves and

others but not for each other.

5.

you have got some growing up

to do and I am not sure if I am

the man to wait around for you

while you set about finishing up.

6.

I see many ideas flash through my

head each morning when I begin

to write and most of them center

around what I don't have rather

than on what I could give to others

like Jesus and his disciples did.

7.
I see what I can give and want

to give to you but if you are

not around then I will have no

choice but to give it to another.

8.

if you want me you will have to

show it...  I will not take you and

your love for granted...  so, what

you show you get in return but

what you don't is withheld for

someone else who is arriving.

9.

I will not beg you to

show me love...  that

must come from within

and if you wait too long,

then, I will be gone and

will live my life alone.

10.

Each day I write my thoughts as if

my life depended upon them...  but,

of course...  it does not...  so, why

am I needing to do this, especially if

it has been getting me nowhere at all?

November 1999 - page 4

1.

take me...  oh Lord

into your grace...

and do with me

as you desire from

this point forward.

2.

there is a purpose and a

time for everything...

some know their calling

others do not...  but, the

call does come at some

time yielding the purpose.

3.

to love thy neighbor as thyself is

the most important commandment

so if I am to love my neighbor as

myself then in order to fulfill that,

I must first love myself...  so I have

no choice here if I truly believe.

4.

in the office

you sit

with your

pressence

and careful

attitude.

5.

where is he crime in being careful

and patient and slow to react...

where is the justice in a quick response

or jumping to an invalid conculsuion?

6.

we are close the the end of the year,

we are close to the end of one thousand 

years...  and, we are close to changes

that will alter our simple lives forever.

 
7.

walk with me down the road of

forgiveness...  give to me what I 

give to you...  sit with me while

we both give thanks...  and pray

with me so I can decide our future,

walk with me into the eternal life.

8.

are you prepared to die and if the

answer is yes...  then, do so...  but,

if the answer is no...  then, you 

must get yourself prepared to live.

9.

is there a chance that I might go in

your directions and live my life with

others...  but according to your will?

is there a chance that I might be one

of many that flow into your service?

10.

I am fascinated by the stories

of the Bible as if wanting to

live back then as a disciple.

Noivember 1999 - page 3

1.

I have tried to be depressed

and yet I just cannot seem

to get there today...  perhaps, I

will try again sometime tomorrow.

 
2.

what do I have to show for my

life that makes me different from

all the others...  and, I say nothing...

but God keeps me around to try

and understand and rise above

all of my miseries and my doubts.

3.

two months left to these one thousand

years and I have nothing special planned,

seeing it as just another day in the life

just another little merry-go-round.

4.

I seem not to remember much

in the way of anything...  nor

do I seem to care but I long for

the passion that others have

to always do what they dare.

5.

God...  grant me the patience to

live my life as You would have it

and to let me rejoice in the idea

that this is what you would have

me do...  God...  grant me the

wisdom to accept my life as you

would have it and want nothing.

6.

two cats...  on top of the table lay,

one mother...  one son...  one father

will not come in to stay...  two cats...

fight for attention from us both

and give us back so much love

that it is very easy for me to boast.

7.

hold my hand as I cry and let

me know that you are there

to comfort me...  as I am here

to protect you even though I

am too emotional sometimes.

 
8.

hold me carefully

in your heart that

I may feel secure

in your warmth.

9.

I am reunited with my father

one last time before I die...

and this one should bee the

one that counts because I

am willing to pledge loyalty.

10.

can I really live my life as you

would want me to live it or is

this just another illusion that

you are going to put me through?

November 1999 - page 2

1.

I study the Bible to see

the lessons it teaches...

so that my life will be

better...  but...  there 

is little improvement

and all I can tell is that

I am not doing it right.

2.

I want to have you in my life

today and tomorrow and I 

have changed my mind...

because of something you

have done or said and I

wish that our relationship

was more solid that this

and a lot more trusting.

3.

the weekend has passed

and we once again look

towards work to pass

the time until the next

shallow weekend arrives.

4.

rain...  rain...  rain...  falling

all night...  it comes from heaven

but causes destruction here

on earth...  it gives and it takes

life indiscriminately like a

necesary evil...  relentless and

unforgiving...  yet it is a gift

like all the others we receive.

5.

you stay with me year after year

even though I give you despair

and I wonder who else I will let

down other than myself now.

6.

it is funny how God takes men

like Peyton early in life who

accomplish so much and leave

men like me around who seem

to have no desire to go anywhere.

7.

walk with me into the darkness,

walk with me into the light,

walk with me into whatever but

at least we will always be together.

8.

hold onto me...  never let

me go...  and, I will be yours

until death takes one away.

9.

be fresh...  be nice...  be soft

and kind...   be whatever...

just don't let people see

how negative you've become.

10.

where will you be in ten years

from now or even five...  if you

live that long...  so, why not make

the best of it each day you're alive?

November 1999 - page 1

1.

you want to act like a typical

man and want me to act like

a typical woman...  it is these

reversing of roles with which

I have a problem, unless you

take care of me financially so

I only have to work for a 

little bit of spending money.

2.

I spend more time without

you than with you and I am

beginning to like that now.

3.

first things first must come my

way and I must decide what it

is that I must do and then I must

take the lead and do it rather than

just wait around for something

to happen to me good or bad.

 

4.

I want the Lord in my life but

I am not sure how to go about

doing that and live the life I

am trying to live currently.

5.

I do not trust you or what

you say or what you do

any more because you are

so very much unpredicatable.

6.

you do not want me as your husband

but you are accepting me for the time

being or until something else arrives.

7.

your talents bring you

satisfaction but always

in a way that it takes

a life away from me.

 
8.

I want a woman who will stand

by me through thick and thin...

who will support me and try

to understand me and who will 

not make me over into someone

with whom she would rather be.

9.

my life is uncertain employment wize

and therefore financially but I have

been going to Church and trying to

accept Christ into my life and dreams,

and my expectations my never come

to pass but it will not hurt me if I

were to continue on this path of mine.

10.

perhaps there is another

year that I will will have

more but one thing is for

sure and that is something

for me is about to arrive.

October 1999 - page 5

1.

I don't belog to you nor you to me

you are free to go to whomever

you desire...  but, if you do then

this I must tell you... do not return.

2.
how do you feel?

I feel with my fingers

whole those around 

me fell with their hearts

and are keely aware

of all their cool senses.

3.

ever since the wedding I

have not spoken to you

nor have you to me...

it is as you said it would be

and I tthought your would

not do that to family...  but,

 I was wrong again; yet,

I bet you have not broken ties

with our wealthy brother 

because it is he that you

just might need again.

4.

hold this fortress down

make it ready to defend,

it is my friends that I worry

most about not enemies.

5.

I live in darkness 

work in darkness

sleep in darkness

arise in darkness

and when the light

come around I feel

very uncomfortable.

6.

I have no future...  no guarantees,

no assurances, except myself

which I cannot trust and if I had

security I would ruin it anyway,

so I am best off without it.

7.

you never trusted in me 

I was just there to help you

through some difficult times,

and you becamee dependent

upon me and it became

convenient for you and

allowed you to grow independent

and now you want to be free.

8.

I have no reason to feel good 

aboutt myself when it comes

to relationships or employment,

neither one is done well at all.

9.

take me to your mother

take me to your father

take me to your family

that I might minister

unto them a new way

for them to think and live,

10.

my thoughts are never complete

only partially thought through

like my life has been thus far.

October 1999 - page 4

1.

I am possessed which is a

nice excuse if I ever wanted

to hide from the rest of the

world not just from myself.

2.

what am I good at other than

doing nothing...  not much I reckon...

funny how the word reckon has

creeped into my vocabulary...

ever since moving to this state

and even funnier how I 

cannot keep a focused mind.

3.

if I were a horse would I be shot

because I can no longer pull my

weight?  if I were a horse would

I be put out to pasture to do

nothing but have a good time?

if I were a man would I be ridden

like a horse until my back could

no longer stand the stress of the day?

if I were a man would I be even

be having these thoughts today?

4.

my uncertainty grows as does my

anxiousness and I feel no comfort

in what I do or who I am...  only

sorror and remorse for being alive.

5.

you lay with me but then you

ignore me while you are awake

and I never know who I am or

what I am supposed to be doing.

6.

I need to trust in those around me

but all they do is painful and I am

left not knowing what to do or

where to go or what may happen

or worse what you might say to me.

7.

there is no amount of medicine or

doctoring that is going to help me,

the only thing that will help me is

for me tto have those around me

who show me that they care for me.

8.

I expect others to care for me so that

I don't have to care for myself...  then,

once I do that I rebel against the control

ruining what I have in front of me and

I am left feeling miserable once agin.

9.

I am mad and crazy...

it is understood and

I have no reason to

fear it will ever be any

different than it is.

10.

it is funny how my mind

goes blank on some days

and on others it just pours

out with words and thoughts

and so many weird feelings.

October 1999 - page 3

1.

I live under a fear that

manifess itself daily

and the older I get the

worse that fear becomes,

it immobilizes me and

makes me say words

that I wish I didn't say.

2.

it is the tone of voice that

sets me off...  it is the feeling

I have been backed into a

corner...  it is the feeling I

have been made to look stupid

but even all of this...  it is more

and I am left so defenseless.

3.

each day we count our blessings

subtract those offset with anger,

each day we evaluate our lives

to see if we could have done better,

each day we are never satisfied

with who we are or want to be.

4.

there is no peace in my mind

unbalanced and uneven...

as if it had been torn in half

and put back together wrong,

there is no salvation for he

who hesitates and always decides

too late to be of any consequence.

5.

this is the month my devil appears

and takes me by the hand and asks

me to do his bidding...  this is the

month that God appears and helps

me fight the evil inside...  this is

the month I am left divided and

abused...  tortured and played with

because I can never see the way I

I am actually supposed to appear.

 

6.

death be to Willie Loman and

death be to me...  we both live

in an awkward stage of history,

never really ever fitting in no

matter what we try to do...

belonging less to time and space

than we do to ourselves anymore. 

7.

and then there was the word

and the word was good

and the word was the word

the word...

the word...

words...  words...  words...

but no language

no commonality

no brotherhood

first, there was the word

and the word understood

and became law

and our covenant

good was the word

but no one heard

no one listened

even though they knew

the word by heart.

8.

I am chained inside

a prisoner of my own insanity

I belong locked up

fenced in like a dog

to be studied as if

I were in a zoo.

9.

words and thoughts flow thru

my mind...  all night long...  as 

though I were writing this

narrative that no one will ever

read...  not even me...  and, in

the morning I remember how

it all happened...  

I got no sleep, but little else.

10.

it pours out from my mind

with no purpose

and no intent

it all seems a waste of time

because no one will

ever read these words that

from me or from who...

I wonder...

October 1999 - page 2

1.

I see a wild beast in my head

and I possessn its body...

good or bad...  I see a Native 

American inside of me and

wonder what his eyes reveal.

2.

come to me my beauty

let us make our marriage

sacred so that no man 

will cast any doubt on the

everylasting quality of

our soon to be union. 

3.
I go to church and look

forward to every Sunday

because I am a spiritual

wasteland I believe...

it is the only day of the

week that I feel comfortable

with myself and others.

4.
I am rested

I am invigorated

with new life

and renewed energy

so that my week

will have purpose

and be meaningful

for us both.

5.
I want to see God

I want to be with God

I want to have God's love

and His caring so

that my life will have

purpose and results.

6.
my cat has

unconditional

love for me

as I would hope

I have for you.

7.
give me the courage and the

determination and the trust

to live my life according to

your will without the slightest

doubt that I will be looked after.

8.

I have no beginning...  no end and

I am not a circle or a ray of light...

I have no past and no future,

no hesitation...  no doubts...  I am

love and I am spread throughout.

9.

I have my dreams and my fantasies

to see me through my life...  what do

I need reality for when reality is a 

concept that control be controlled.

10.

I live in a deep forest inside a deep well

behind a large rock, underneath a warm

blanket of the mind and I nurture myself

as did my mother and the intimacy that

I feel will be contained and self absorbed;

I will live out the remaining days of my

life in a state of alienation for the crimes

I have committed against myself and to

the God to which I have not been able to

accept under the terms set forth in life.

October 1999 - page 1

1.

it is almost an apology to myself

this morning is because I have not

written a word and it is the third

of a new month...  I see myself

this morning as someone new,

someone reborn...  but not in the

religious fever sense...  it is more

like my life has tranformed into

something new and special and I

have no idea where it is going

or where I might end up today.

2.

we have no doubts...  no safety nets...

no reassurances...  all we have is our

fear and our beliefs that what we do

today will be enough for tomorrow.

3.

I spend the entire weekend alone

and what's worse is that your were

angry with me because we did not

have sex when you wanted it and

when I asked you to wait until

tomorrow you refused...  but,  if

I had not have come home early,

you would not have wanted sex

untl the next day anyway honey.

  
4.

I see ou in my dreams and I wonder

why we ever wanted to be together

because we are as different as night

and day and mix as easily as oil

and water if the truth be known.

5.

behold...  for I give you a kingdom

in my father's land and you refuse

because you don't know who I am.

6.

the world struggles with poverty

and I wrestle with the love that

I may or may not ever possess.

7.

I see our crown of thorns and I 

weep for you...  my Lord...  I 

feel your pain and suffering and 

I weep for you...  my Lord...  I 

hold you in my heart and tightly

in my mind, hoping I will be 

like you when I grow up more.

8.

I hold my pain inside my heart

and the outside of me shows

no ill effects at all...  even though

my mental anguish would be

unbearable for a mortal's soul.

9.

I am no man...  alive and well

in Tennessee...  a little worse

for wear but nothing I cannot

handle...  I am no man...  and

live in no man's land this day.

10.

I ask for help and receive nothing,

I ask for love and receive nothing,

I ask for nothing and receive everything.

September 1999 - page 5

1.

maybe you do love me

maybe you don't...  but

you also like the idea

that others may want

to love you as well, so

you keep your options

open just in case you

run into that special

kind of man that you

have always dreamed.

2.

I cannot tell if I feel better or

worse...  I cannot tell if I am

up or down...  I feel very little

actually...  I am emotionless,

void...  and I fell somewhat

helpless...  so, there are

feelings just not the right kind.

3.

I walk the line...  a thin one at that,

between right and wrong...  good

and evil...  this and that...  I know

what I should do but I do what

I get reinforced to do, regardless

of the issues...  regardless of the

suffering...  regardless of the lies

and since I am not what I appear

to be then no one else is either.

4.

from whom do I learn the lessons,

these contradictions...  from whom?

not from myself since I don't have

the balls to stand up for myself and

follow my own convictions...  what

is inside me that possesses me so...

that make me do opposites, just to

say I can...  perhaps, if I am crazy

and I believe I am then myperceptions

are also crazy as well as my realities...

my hopes and dreams and desires...

where is the rationale behind what 

I think...  feel and do and how I

react when my back in not against

the wall of endless contimplations.

5.

bring forth the lions from the den

and let me have at them so that my

quiet times and memories die just

as the fight within me starts to grow.

6.

hold me whole harmless from

those feelings you want me to

have but seem not to possess;

hold me blameless in our cries

for passion and absolution...

those days I cry out for them;

hold me innocent of emotions

so that I may become like the

rest of the foolishly insensitive.

7.

deep down inside I go where no one

knows and nobody goes except me...

deep down inside I dwell when life

goes not well and the burden to fight

back becomes too hard for one to bear...

deep down inside like a volcano I hide

holding in all the molten anger that I

have no reason not to ever need to fear...

deep down below I go where no one knows

and no one can find me until I decide...

deep down inside I crouch away from

all my fears and tears and reluctances to do

battle with those who are more aggressive...

more ascertive than I and who laugh at 

my mistakes, making me feel that I can

never be one of them or show who I am.

8.

it is my soul that needs tending to,

not my heart and in my search I

may find the heart of my desires.

9.

for many years, I have been empty

and alone, even when in a crowd,

it was as if I did not exist and they

did and I longed for what they had

knowing they were all superficial.

10.

take me home...  keeps me

coming back to a song I

once knew as a child.

September 1999 - page 4

1.

you take me for granted

and show more at work

than you do at home...

because they do not ask

you to give and I do.

2.

you don't see that we are

drifting apart...  and, all

you see is what effects you

and all that needs to change.

3.

you need the attention of males

to make you feel like a woman,

even though it is misunderstood

for sexual interest...  and yet you

are glad to know it is there in

case it is something you ever need.

4.

everything in your life is someone

else's fault...  you have no blame...

no responsibilities...  excep to work 

and to yourself of course...  and see

nothing in your life that needs to change.

5.

why do I remain with you

why do I need you so

or is it because I need someone

to make me feel miserable...

what is it that I see in you or you in me

for that matter...  when you

disregard me like you do.

6.

you say that I make you feel as though

you can never please me which gives you

an excuse not to try...  again, you are

telling me I am controlling your actions,

but when I change...  you remain the same

and tell me that you believe I will reurn

to the way I was...  it is obvious to me now

after all these years that your behavior is

no based upon me but is on you and all

that you want to give or not give...  and if

you will...  you will...  and if you won't...

you won't...  it makes little difference what

I do or do not do...  it is not me...  it's you

and you bring this attitude into all your

relationships and that is why they

eventually find someone else to be with.

7.

do I work for myself or for my wife

or to pay my expenses or for my future,

or our future...  or what?

I am alive...  doing fine or am I? 

I have sight but don't see

I have ears but don't hear

I am sensitive but don't feel

I have longing but don't desire

I have mixed feelings...  mixed emotions

and do not know which is the correct

path or the best way home...  but, is my

home with you...  or my parents...

or is it with someone else//

do I desire to improve or fail

or do I even care about the outcome?

what do I want if I don't want me?

what is you will for me?

8.

adversity is in all our lives

it is not that which makes

us poor but how we react.

9.

if I am to be a teacher then

let me be one or if I am to

be a bum then let me be

that as well...  but please

le me know what it is I am

to do so I can get about it.

10.

I don't want to do this or that

because I am afraid of doing

it wrong, so I don't do anything

at all...  and when I do some

things right it feels good and

i want to do more but I always

wonder when the happiness is

going to stop coming my way.

September 1999 - page 3

1.

it is difficult for me to say

how I feel about it all...

because the pain is too deeply

rooted inside me to be so

casual about the life that

I have recently had to live.

2.

you look inside me and see a man

who constantly makes you unhappy

as a result of not trusting you...  and

yet, you have given previous behavior

to show otherwise... but have no

desire to be critical of yourself...

heaven forbide that youo should do

anything wrong at all here and now.

3.

you want me ti talk to the doctor

about what I do to ruin this affair

which is the only way you see 

that I need to be fixed...  you don't

see that I may have other problems.

4.

I love having you around but I am

growing tired of your selfishness

and self-centered attitude and rather

than having us both satay at ahom

and enjoy the day you want us to

trades places so I go to work and

you stay at home...  so that I will

know what it feels like to be you.

5.

I believe that we have reached a moment

in our lives where we see that we are too

different to be togethe and that we both

had those feelings from the very beginning

because it was better to have this than noit.

6.

we are both thinking about ourselves

these days rather than giving which is

something we used to do...  you don't

see it but I do and we will not last

much longer this way at all dearest.

7.

I don't know who you are and you

don't know me...  we don't know

each other...  I don't know if we try...

we work and come home and

survive the motions of being with

each other but there is little intimacy

and lots more taking than giving.

8.

the world is out there for us to

conquer aqnd for all to see my

fears...  regrets...  apprenhensions,

so...  for now, it will have to wait 

until I master my hiding courage.

9.

God helps those who help themselves

and if that is true then what about

those who are unsurfe of what to do

to help themselves or how to do it/

10.

I am worried that I will lose you

and that is probably what will happen,

what I should be worried about is

standing alone and uninvited and

making my way as best as I can.

September 1999 - page 2

1.

who am I today...  or yesterday,

or the day before?

who will I be tomorrow or the

day after that?

against whom will I be measured

or thought of...  when my name

is called and I stand before

all your glory?

will you recognize me...

it is I or another you prefer

or long for as the days go by?

2.

my heart is not my own

it belongs to you...  but it

remains an orphan because

you need it not to live

your life as you want to.

3.

I read lessons about the Bible

and the teachings of our Lord

and of Jesus...  but it puts me

closer to whatever it is for

which I search and I wonder

if there is someting I am

missing or not doing right.

4.

my thoughts are always

on you and what I wish we

had if you were mine.

5.

did you forget to call or was

this intentional...  so you could

have some ammunition against

me as to what I have been

doing or have not been doing?

6.

walk in my footsteps if you will

for a day or twoi and see life as

I do...   as I mustg do the same

for you...   and when these days

are over it is my belief we will

want our own lives back again.

7.

I wish I knew what was

on your mind each day

and how you really 

thought about me any.

8.

what I would like to do and what I

can do...  or, what I will let myself do,

are tow different things...  and, I wish

I had the stamina to always go the

distance with any of these choices.

9.

I live in a deep well of introspection

always seeing what I do as not good 

enough and showing behavior to

reinforce it all...  and...  I worry about

which fear of mine will get me first.

10.

you have no reason to act the

way you do...  no reason at all,

and I am always disappointed

because of what you want to doi.

September 1999 - page 1

1.

what am I holding onto

with such eloquent force

as though my life

depended upon it?

lwhat is it that motivates me

to such despair...  if I could

be something different,

how long would it last

before the same disappointments

began to occupy my thoughts?

where is my life going

that it has to be so negative

so disillusioned about

all the possibilities?

it is not what others have done to me

but what have I done to myself

and continue to let happen

because of the fear of being alone

is worse that the pain of

indifference I must endure?

when do I tell myself

I can break free...

live my life as I want it to be

not as someone else wants to

instruct me how to live it?

how can I be free?

2.

my life has been a series of mistakes

as is evcryone's but some of us rise

above it all while some of us can

become motivated and move on,

looking back to see how it used to be.

3.

my heart continues to be

broken because you cannot

give when I ask as you have

decided to give when not asked.

4.

I wish I could see into the past

to that point-in-time that caused

me to be like I am today...  and,

not so muchl to change it but to

understand it better so I could be

free again like I was when young.

5.

who understands me better than

myself...  making excuses about

why I cannot do what I need to do.

6.

the force of my confusion is like

the crash of a wave that results

from a hurricane especially

when one is not prepared for it.

7.
I don't see death nor life

but indifference to it all

as though it could not

matter one iota what may

or may not happen to me

because I am not worth the

time or the thought of it.

8.

it is strange hoiw this feels

to be in a church building

by myself waiting for the

others to arrive so the class

can begin and the only thing

between mel and the rest of

my life is a thin silence veil.

9.

I feel calm...  rested...

after communion...

after I have asked God

to forgive my sins...

and make me a better

person in that I act

more God-like again.

10.

I share your feelings or

you share mine...  I am

not sure which but I do

know it is the sharing with

each other that matters now.

August 1999 - page 5

1.

There are things that

you can do and say

but if I use them I am

wrong and if I mention

that you use them then

I am wrong agai

and I say to myself

why do I think this is

a great marriage and

why do I think that I

need this marriage and

why do I just put up 

with this shit and not

just let her play her

game with another?

2.

this morning the steering

wheel and gear shift were

sticky as if someone drove

the car after I did yesterday

late into the night or early

morning and that just leaves

one person which is you.

3.

my first impulse is to find

someone else and just leave

like I have done once before

but what I really need to do

is just leave and take my 

chances on my own instead.

4.

put up with your behavior just

six more months until the new year,

until I am better equipped  to 

handle being alone...  my first

priority is to find what is wrong

with my thinking and then move

into something that will put me in

a better position financially...

then look towards finding a

partner that will truly want to

share their live with me forever.

5.

today I am better than yesterday

but not where I need to be...

today I am still in need of having

you around to perpetuate my misery.

6.

do you really love me or do you

have me around so you can do

what you want and stay with me

until you can find my substitute?

7.

you draw men to you and you

like that and want it to continue

for as long as you can...  keeping

me around as a back door in case

your searching is not productive,

8.

there is no one man that is

right for you...  as you use

them like coupons while

searching for better deals,

knowing that your looks

and your body will get

whatever man you want...

not realizing that your

attitude and playing games

will cause these men to

always leave you prematurely.

9.

I feel sorry for you

it may be pity... because

you can never make

a committent to anyone

othen than to yourself.

10.

I want to be yours but

you don't want to be mine

and I feel used by you

everyday we are together.

August 1999 - page 4

1.

what would you do

if you had to choose

between me and another

man and would you

have visited his bed

before it got that far?

2.

one...  two...  three...

and it is time to pee,

and be someone else

for the rest of the day...

one...  two...  three...

see me perform

like the seal I am,

except I don't 

do church groups

who believe

differently that I do.

3.

hurt from you is deep

and may never be over-

come with patience.

4.

I should be at eighty and I am

not even half way there...  this

month will not be as productive

as some of the others, but that is

just the way it's going to be.

5.

now you are concerned

because I say nothing

about what you are not doing

and that indifference

bothered you as it did me.

6.

there is no paying back here

only learning a new way to

respond to you that bothers

you as much as your acttions

have a tendency to bother me.

7.

I wish upon a star

but not tonight

because tonight is

for making love.

8.

we are stopped from doing

what we know is wrong

while others pretend to be

righteeous...  yet, do what

they feel they need to do

regardless of the ethics

because it is something

that is just done by them.

9.

we sleep in the same bed but

are miles apart both with our

feeling and expressions and the

tneed we have for each other.

10.

wait one more year before

you make your move

and the patience will pay

off for you as it has for me,

take it day-by-day... slowly,

letting it evolve in such a

way that you gained and have

learned from that experience.