October 1999 - page 3

1.

I live under a fear that

manifess itself daily

and the older I get the

worse that fear becomes,

it immobilizes me and

makes me say words

that I wish I didn't say.

2.

it is the tone of voice that

sets me off...  it is the feeling

I have been backed into a

corner...  it is the feeling I

have been made to look stupid

but even all of this...  it is more

and I am left so defenseless.

3.

each day we count our blessings

subtract those offset with anger,

each day we evaluate our lives

to see if we could have done better,

each day we are never satisfied

with who we are or want to be.

4.

there is no peace in my mind

unbalanced and uneven...

as if it had been torn in half

and put back together wrong,

there is no salvation for he

who hesitates and always decides

too late to be of any consequence.

5.

this is the month my devil appears

and takes me by the hand and asks

me to do his bidding...  this is the

month that God appears and helps

me fight the evil inside...  this is

the month I am left divided and

abused...  tortured and played with

because I can never see the way I

I am actually supposed to appear.

 

6.

death be to Willie Loman and

death be to me...  we both live

in an awkward stage of history,

never really ever fitting in no

matter what we try to do...

belonging less to time and space

than we do to ourselves anymore. 

7.

and then there was the word

and the word was good

and the word was the word

the word...

the word...

words...  words...  words...

but no language

no commonality

no brotherhood

first, there was the word

and the word understood

and became law

and our covenant

good was the word

but no one heard

no one listened

even though they knew

the word by heart.

8.

I am chained inside

a prisoner of my own insanity

I belong locked up

fenced in like a dog

to be studied as if

I were in a zoo.

9.

words and thoughts flow thru

my mind...  all night long...  as 

though I were writing this

narrative that no one will ever

read...  not even me...  and, in

the morning I remember how

it all happened...  

I got no sleep, but little else.

10.

it pours out from my mind

with no purpose

and no intent

it all seems a waste of time

because no one will

ever read these words that

from me or from who...

I wonder...