what am I holding onto
with such eloquent force
as though my life
depended upon it?
lwhat is it that motivates me
to such despair... if I could
be something different,
how long would it last
before the same disappointments
began to occupy my thoughts?
where is my life going
that it has to be so negative
so disillusioned about
all the possibilities?
it is not what others have done to me
but what have I done to myself
and continue to let happen
because of the fear of being alone
is worse that the pain of
indifference I must endure?
when do I tell myself
I can break free...
live my life as I want it to be
not as someone else wants to
instruct me how to live it?
how can I be free?
2.
my life has been a series of mistakes
as is evcryone's but some of us rise
above it all while some of us can
become motivated and move on,
looking back to see how it used to be.
3.
my heart continues to be
broken because you cannot
give when I ask as you have
decided to give when not asked.
4.
I wish I could see into the past
to that point-in-time that caused
me to be like I am today... and,
not so muchl to change it but to
understand it better so I could be
free again like I was when young.
5.
who understands me better than
myself... making excuses about
why I cannot do what I need to do.
6.
the force of my confusion is like
the crash of a wave that results
from a hurricane especially
when one is not prepared for it.
7.
I don't see death nor life
but indifference to it all
as though it could not
matter one iota what may
or may not happen to me
because I am not worth the
time or the thought of it.
8.
it is strange hoiw this feels
to be in a church building
by myself waiting for the
others to arrive so the class
can begin and the only thing
between mel and the rest of
my life is a thin silence veil.
9.
I feel calm... rested...
after communion...
after I have asked God
to forgive my sins...
and make me a better
person in that I act
more God-like again.
10.
I share your feelings or
you share mine... I am
not sure which but I do
know it is the sharing with
each other that matters now.
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