1.
maybe you do love me
maybe you don't... but
you also like the idea
that others may want
to love you as well, so
you keep your options
open just in case you
run into that special
kind of man that you
have always dreamed.
2.
I cannot tell if I feel better or
worse... I cannot tell if I am
up or down... I feel very little
actually... I am emotionless,
void... and I fell somewhat
helpless... so, there are
feelings just not the right kind.
3.
I walk the line... a thin one at that,
between right and wrong... good
and evil... this and that... I know
what I should do but I do what
I get reinforced to do, regardless
of the issues... regardless of the
suffering... regardless of the lies
and since I am not what I appear
to be then no one else is either.
4.
from whom do I learn the lessons,
these contradictions... from whom?
not from myself since I don't have
the balls to stand up for myself and
follow my own convictions... what
is inside me that possesses me so...
that make me do opposites, just to
say I can... perhaps, if I am crazy
and I believe I am then myperceptions
are also crazy as well as my realities...
my hopes and dreams and desires...
where is the rationale behind what
I think... feel and do and how I
react when my back in not against
the wall of endless contimplations.
5.
bring forth the lions from the den
and let me have at them so that my
quiet times and memories die just
as the fight within me starts to grow.
hold me whole harmless from
those feelings you want me to
have but seem not to possess;
hold me blameless in our cries
for passion and absolution...
those days I cry out for them;
hold me innocent of emotions
so that I may become like the
rest of the foolishly insensitive.
7.
deep down inside I go where no one
knows and nobody goes except me...
deep down inside I dwell when life
goes not well and the burden to fight
back becomes too hard for one to bear...
deep down inside like a volcano I hide
holding in all the molten anger that I
have no reason not to ever need to fear...
deep down below I go where no one knows
and no one can find me until I decide...
deep down inside I crouch away from
all my fears and tears and reluctances to do
battle with those who are more aggressive...
more ascertive than I and who laugh at
my mistakes, making me feel that I can
never be one of them or show who I am.
8.
it is my soul that needs tending to,
not my heart and in my search I
may find the heart of my desires.
9.
for many years, I have been empty
and alone, even when in a crowd,
it was as if I did not exist and they
did and I longed for what they had
knowing they were all superficial.
10.
take me home... keeps me
coming back to a song I
once knew as a child.
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