Missing Myrtle - Day 1

Impressions

pigeons walk along the sand with 

bobbing heads as they search for

crumbs getting fat off the laziness

of tourists, crapping on shoulders

as they fly by on their way home;

white skinned bodies juxtaposed

against blacks side-by-side as if

color make as much difference as

politicians claim they have achieved

unless it is spending your money...

who are you plays in both ears as

stereophonic sounds penetrate my

head, vibrating the unconscious

memories buried with my ageless

youth that stands guard over the

mental illness of remembering...

a world of thoughtless abandon

never seems to awake from its

afternoon nap as life and time

move forward on a never ending

course of action in front of me.

23Aug21

June 1999 - page 5

1.

we have

influence

over

each other

using it

adversely.

2.

there will be no more lies

or hidden agendas...  there

will be no more selfishness

or distrust or retaliation...

there will be no more loud

talking or saying words

just to hurt the other person...

there will be a change in

our behaviors regardless

of what we do or not do

because we love each other.

3.

no one sees the pain inside

unless it is shown and if

that is done it is likely to

solicit sympathy which is

saying I cannot do it alone.

4.

out of this tradgedy we all

assume the blame...  we have

grown and learned something

about ourselves...  the question

that must be asked is...  will

all of this change remain?

5.

most of what I perceived

was wrong or incorrect

and now I must learn a

new way to see and it is

believed that when I do

this my life with others

will dramatically improve.

6.

for three months there must

be an improvement and if

there is then we back off on

the medication to see if I

can do it all on my own.

7.

it is just a better way to think

I do believe...  including the

relationship at home which

I thought was unretrievable.

8.

tell me the truth 

not what I want to hear

and I will adjust

my way of thinking to

acommodate the change.

9.

we sleep together again

something I thought

we would never do...

and, it would appear

we are a little bit better

and stronger and closer

than we were before.

10.

you read about the

distortions to see

what I need to do

and I know you

cannot help but think

some pertain to you.

June 1999 - page 4

1.

I accept full responsibility 

for my atgions and will

live with the consequences

and if that means alienations

from family then so be it.

2.

I ask others to fight

my battles and when

I do it make the 

situation worse so

now it is time to take

change of my life.

3.

there will be time passing

for many months before

I let myself join with 

another woman in marriage.

4.

perhaps we have all learned

a valuable lesson from this

unfortunate experience and

if we have then it was worth

the pain that we all endured.

5.

it is obvious that you have

unconditional love inside

of you and show it to me

all the time...  it is now up

to me to trust you more.

6.

it is time for me to get back to

where I was and put my life

back together...  rebuilding it

better than it ever was before,

finally benefitting from the past.

7.

the sun feels good on my shoulders

it warms my new sense of pride

and self esteem...  the sun's warmth

heals the scars that have been

carried many years unattended.

8.

it is necessary to see

the ugliness in one's

self before the positive

can rise up from ashes.

9.

inside our minds are the influences

of our parents, incorporating theirs...

and theirs...  and theirs...  it is up to

each of us to determine those to use.

10.

if I write each day whether it

be positive or negative, I am

still building my ability to

think and use words differently.

June 1999 - page 3

1.

you want me to live like this

until you can go to Knoxville,

but that only favors you and

I will not do that anymore.

2.

my daughter wants her cake

and eat it too...  but lile does

work like that and when you

don't want my wife to attend\

and then lie about it...  you

no longer deserve me either.

3.

your love was not strong enough to

overlook what I said and neither was

mine...  yet, my mistake was taking

youi back and not doing anything 

about getting a divorce when you

had mentioned it the first time.

4.

I don't see a way out

this time around and

if it was not supposed

to happen it would not.

5.

I will find a soulmate

somewhere...  sometime

and all of this will be

eventually worth it all.

6.

it is a shame that this

had to have happened

but it is one of those

issues that now must

be resolved somehow.

7.

I hate what has happened

but there is little I can do

except make sure it does 

not happen again with

someone else like you.

8.

we are all to blame

and ther is very little

left to do except close

the door on this issue

and move on without.

9.

I see clouds in the sky with

faces that are frowning at my

behavior and the way I treat

those around me...  these

faces condemn but offer no

solutions and I am left

avoiding the day and its

uncomfortable participants.

10.

most of those who pass

my gaze are lumpy even

at a young age so what

will they be like when

the finally reach my age?

June 1999 - page 2

1.

I like to visit my parents

but staying there longer

than the weeekend would

be tempting fate that

something negative with 

the best of intentions

would be said to me.

2.

we have some concerns about

each other and the way we are

living, trying to get the other

person to see it our way rather

than finding time to compromise.

3.

maybe in time you will see

that I tell the truth and I don't

always get enjoyment out

of doing so...  but by the time

you realize what I've done

it may be too late for us.

4.

it is not easy for you to see

or accept the kind of person

I really am...  and the same

hold true for me but I keep

hoping something will

happen that gets to us both.

5.

it is my daughter's wedding

that takes me to New York City,

into Rye and into Connecticutt

but it is my ex-eife who still 

haunts me by trying to ruin

my relationship with you.

6.

you have bitterness inside you

as do I and together we are an

explosive combination and we

had fun together but now we

don't know how to even do that.

7.

you would decide to eat inside

if there was a handsome man

there from which you not hide.

8.

it was not fair what you did to me

but you are also right that I caused

part of this myself...  and I prepared

to take that responsibilty and move

on and try to find out more about

myself...  and, while I love you as

best as I can, I also realize that I 

am not treating you as if I feel that

way...  and if I am not...  then it

might be because I don't love you

and if so then I need to leave and

let you find the lvoer you need.

9.

we are in

each other's

way it seems

and we need

to find our

own way.

10.

I do not have too many

good memories with you

and you have said how

bad I am in comparison

with your first husband,

so why should I continue

to subject myself to this.

June 1999 - page 1

1.

we have a lot in common

but we withdraw our interests

when we are angry and that

cause us to push each other

farther away until we want

little to do with each other.

2.

I have been accused of not

making decisions and that

is not true...  and I have no

problem with that at all 

but where where is a

problem is with my ability

to stand up to authority.

3.

I am not sure if I 

want to try much

of anything with

you anymore

because of the

way we have

trouble getting

along and the way

you do not want

to compromise.

4.

time and time again

I will call your name

even thought you are

not here and as I wish

that you were I know

where you are and

maybe not at the very

moment but I know

at some point you are

wishing that you were

with me as you silently

call out my name too.

5.

I am seeing more clearly

but not exactly as I need 

to or want to but in time

I know all that will change.

6.

all my time is spent complaining

about what is wrong with us,

rather than looking at it from the

standpoint of what is right...

as I focus on the negative, the

negative is what I get and as the

relationship suffers we speak less

and less and want to be with each

other less and less and want to

show our feeling less and less

which again perpeturates the

negative in our relationship.

7.

I love you but I am too stubborn

to give in as you are...  and, we

both have hurt this marriage.

8.

our personalities are in constant

conflict...  with neither of us

wanting to compromise and

blaming each other for all our

problems...  and if, we were to

survive all of this...  we will be

strong?  but there is a good

possibility we will not make it

at all and then what do we do?

9.

please give me your love

and I will give you mine

but if you cannot, then...

10.

we want to share our successes

with each other and when we

cannot then turmoil becomes

our only bed mate that night. 

Novermber 1999 - page 1

May 1999 - page 5

1.

she comes in begging

asking for someone

to take care of her

as if is is someone's

obligation to let her

live off another man's

kindness and lust.

2.

her comments are always

the same, "can you help me out,"

spoken in a pittiful voice

hoping someone will

listen to her begging.

3.
the more she tries to

manipulate him the

more he resolves to

pull away from her

and the more she feels

that he has betrayed her.

4.

I see in myself the seeds

to be what someone else

wants but I also see the

need in me to be alone,

not letting anyone but

myself live like I do.

5.
I am not better off today

that I was the day before

and will continue to be

like that until I change

what it is inside me that

makde me feel this way.

6.
you called to let me know

that you would be later and

then you are not late at all,

but more importantly there

was no reason for you to

call at all because we area

sleeping in separate rooms.

7.

if I raised my hand to you I

am sorry but still no harm

came to you...  I am sorry

but still my words were

never heard...  if I raised

my heart to you I am sorry

but it was done out of love.

8.

there seems to be more heavy

people than thin these days,

and age does not seem to bre

a factor at all...  it is sad in a

way that we as a society do

not care that much about 

ourselves and being healthy.

9.

he must show up at McD's

every friday to coffee up and

make his cell phone calls and

I guess I would think that

from his car would be better.

10.

I wonder what will be

our fate but this is not

exactly what I should 

do... accepting that

which I do not agree.

May 1999 - page 4

1.

if she is serious about how she feels

then she will call a real estate agent

and put our house up for sale today.

2.

I am not the same man that you knew before

althought I am confident you think that I am,

and I may exhibit some similar characteristics

but my focus and determintation is different,

as well as my willingness to look at and change

those internal feelings that have affected my

behavior for many years...  and if, you try to

measure what you think I will do based upon

how I have been in the past, then you will be

basing your actions on the insecurities of your

own false assumptions and will be forcing 

yourself whether you realize it or not to finally

take responsibility for your actions, rather than

finding a way to blame everything that you do

on someone else, and this alone will ease the

pain I have endured all those years living here.

3.

even in divorce you expect me to

take care of you until you are settled

and it is the nerve of your position

that angers me because you feel you

deserve more than you are entitled.

4.

I will not let myself be controlled by you

or pulled down to your level anymore...

my life changed ever since I have become

involved with you and I want more than

anything else to have my old life back...

and I am mentally prepared to do just that.

5.

I have no anger towards you

just disappointment and

perhaps that should be directed

more towards me than you...

who knows but what does 

matter is being able to see that

and consequently being able

to do something about it which

is what I plan to do tomorrow.

6.

it is weird how I use this time

to write down things that I

think or feel, realizing that no

one...  not even myself...  will

ever read them and knowing

that makes my writing anymore

like a complete waste of time.

7.

I came here for a little quiet time

to collect my thoughts and for the

most part...  this is what I find, but,

every once in a while a bus load

of refugees with their mothers

come in and disrupt my concentration

and all my points of view are distorted.

8.

I refuse to let myself be intimidated

by people and events outside of my

control...  yet, those words are easily

said since that is exactly what I do.

9.
I see you in my dreams

my fantasy woman

my friend

my lover

my partner

but you are as illusive

in reality as you

are in this dream.

10.

I weant to have what everyone

elses takes for granted and I

know that one day, it will all

come my way as long as my

patience continues and my

belief in what I am doing is

as strong as is my faith in it.

May 1999 - page 3

1.

my heart belongs to no one

and it should...  and, I should

have my life in order but I

do not...  and, I seem to be

measuring myself against

what I feel someone else

thinks I should be doing.

2.

I want someone to

love and trust and to care for

but it is not here.

3.

I will be on my own soon

and so will you and I am

sure you will prefer it and

will make all attempts to

return to your birthplace;

but be aware that getting

what you want is not

always what you thought 

you wanted before then.

4.

we spend more time keeping

apart and not talking than we

do the opposite...  and when

we are getting along we are

careful with what we say and

the realtionship seems strained

at best and there seems very

little reason to continue yet

we always continue to do so.

5.

the old men talk about how

they had all these affairs with

married women when they

were only a few years younger.

6.

my life is better than it was but

not as good as it could be...  and,

the only way I will get where I

need to be is with the help of my

friends and family...  and, by 

realizing I need to live life as

best as I can on my own instead.

7.

she believes that she has caught me

at something...  but, she is not sure

what it is yet...  she is acting as if she

has and I can only imagine the ways

in which she will try to find out...

and try to repay me...  and as I begin

to endure the madness, I recall her

saying she is not vindictive...  but,

if I were to bring this to her attention,

I am sure she would say that she

was really not that way before me

or that she learned that from me...

in either case, she is avoiding me

and taking responsibility for her own

actions or lack of the same it seems.

8.

I see that in order for me to grow,

I must rise above the need to be

with you and learn to live on my

own...  paying bills, clearning the 

house, doing laundry, shopping,

and cooking...  most of which I

am already doing but most

importantly I must learn to find

new ways to entertain myself and

that will be an interesting opportunity.

9.

each of us must take a stand for

that in which we believe or think

that we do...  even if, we are wrong

and learn to live with the outcomes

of our thoughts and of our actions.

10.

the air cools my senses

too much so and I begin

to think I would be better

off if I left to return to 

the warmth of the south.

May 1999 - page 2

1.

my life is uncertain

both my marriages

as well as my career

but my mental health

is being repaired

and my outlook

should by default

become improved.

2.

there is a perception

that one is beeter than

the other...  but, for my

purposes either will do

so I pick the one with

the least number inside.

3.

I see you in someone else's

future and I see myself in

no one's future at all but

for some reason that is of

not concern to me...  at

least not at the moment.

4.

I sleep with you in

the bed purchased, thinking

I may not stay long.

5.

everywhere I go to write

and drink coffee, I try to

sit in the corner of the room

but those who see me 

always look with what

seems to be curiosity as to

what it is I am doing here.

6.

I feel neutral about everything

in my life right now...  maybe

that is because I know that

whatever happens there will

always be my parents to

which I will be able to return.

7.

she calls to me to

change my appointment to a

Thursday, if I cared.

8.

I could have enought to live

for eighteen months in the

next ten weeks but I am not

sure what I would gain if I

stopped...  but if I returned 

to work until the end of the

year I would have enough

money for the next two.

9.

what do I want in my life

or from my life...  what do

I need or what would I like

to give?  what do I think 

that I should or should not

do...  it would seem that I

have a lot more questions

than answers...  and that

no one, no matter what

place they hold in my life

can help me here and now.

10.

I have not found the right woman

with whom I would like to spend

the rest of my life...  although, I

feel this should bother me but it

does not and I wonder why not?

May 1999 - page 1

1.

you were planning on attending

my daughter's wedding but when

I told you that I may not be able

to go with you to visit your son,

you immediately said you would 

just save your vactaion and not

attend the wedding, claiming

that you do not pay people back.

2

you have let your intentions be

known that when Eckerd's moves

to Knoxville that you are going

and that we should sell the 

house now because it may take

that long for us to find a buyer;

and once you get back to Knoxville

there will be no reason for you

to continue in this marriage.

.

3.

I see no long term future

for us...  no matter how 

I look at what goes on

between us, so my focus

should be using this year

to take care of myself

since no one else will.

4.

I look for solutions in places

I have looked before like some

trained seal who knows how

to do that very well, but the

real test is not what has been

done before but the new

territory in which we look

to see if we can find solutions.

5.

she walks around as if

she is pregnant...  maybe

her desire to be is greater

than her to desire to try

and keep herself healthy.

6.

I must look for ways to

feel less dependent on

other people for eith my

shor or tong term survival.

7.

it is funny how people tend

to gravitate towards others 

in a restaurant rather than

find a way to sit alone.

8.

I am not the man that I used to be

yet you try to base your actions as

if I am still that man...  and, you 

will see that you guessed wrong

even though I gave you numerous

hints along the way for you to find.

9.

help me to see the 

beauty in you that

your outward beauty

for some reason has

trapped inside you.

10.

there are two jobs that I 

currently have...  one,

that provides income

nothing permanent

and will soon end...

and one that does not

pay very well but that

provides me with

training and that could

become more permanent;

there are two jobs paying

the bills and when they

both end, perhaps I

will have what I need.

April 1999 - page 5

1.

if you really loved me you

would do or keep trying

everything you could think of

to get and keep me hard...

so that I would see and believe

how much you loved me...

but, when you stop right away

and make me feel there is

something wrong with me 

and I have let you down, it

leaves an impression on me

that has killed my love.

2.

I admit my jealousies are

pushing you away and that

at the same time there is

really nothing I can do to

prevent you from having

an affair if that is what 

you want to do...  no matter

how much we claim to be

in love with each other;

yet, my fears of not being 

able to find a replacement,

leaves me pretty much in

your control until I can 

find a way to overcome it.

3.

I feel the need to share what I

am feeling with someone...

but I know it is just an attempt

to get them to feel sorry for me,

when what it is I really need

to do is to stop this behavior from

continuimng to rule my life.

4.

you are not the woman for me

perhaps there is no one who is

or can be what I need and maybe

that is the wrong way to look at it,

maybe what I should do is fina a

way to be the right person for 

them...  I really am that selfish.

5.

take me away from here and

into a world where fantasy rules

and the only limitations are

self-imposed by the lack of

desire for one to be creative.

6.

let me find out who I am please,

let me be who I really am...

let me fina a passion that burns

inside me before it's too late.

7.

she wants out

and I don't

blame her,

even when I

knew she had

not really tried.

8.

I lack self-confidence and

self esteem and as a result

fear that I cannot find another

woman if I ever lose you...

so, I look for ways that prevents

you from being tested because

if you ever are then I know

that you wouldn't pick me.

9.

I am not a nice person

never have been...  but,

I have always tried for

what it is worth to be

fair in everything I do.

10.

I need to find my own way,

I need to test myself and

find if I can survive on my

own and I must do this alone.

April 1999 - page 4

1.

there are ninety more minutes

before I must leave,

ninety minutes to put these words

and more on paper,

I see that these minutes don't seem

long enough for what I must do,

but for me, these ninety minutes

could actually last forever.

2.

I don't appear too motivated,

I don't appear too happy,

I don't appear not so depressed,

I don't appear less anxious

or less worried but I do appear

a little calmer than before.

3.

rent goes down by about as much

as my car payment goes up,

give or take, so I should be pleased

that nothing has changed, but I

don't want to break even I

really want to get ahead of it all.

4.

doctor...  doctor... everywhere

how come you charge such high fees?

patient...  patient...  everywhere

how come you get so sick?

it doesn't matter what you have

because in the end everyone goes.

5.

I had one dream maybe two last night

but I cannot remember either...  I had

one argument maybe two last week

but I cannot remember either...  no need

to worry my friend because what what

we have is more that what you want

to know or see...  it is spiritual and

metaphysical...  it is an awakening that

manifests itself inside our feelings and

inside what we believe to be the truth...

I had an experience maybe two yesterday

and both of them changed my life.

6.

I have a need to be cared for and loved

and babied but it is difficult for me to

return those favors...   I have a need or

desire not to be alone but what I do

lays the foundation for that to happen.

7.

put yourself in my shoes,

I say to them...  before you

criticize and they said glady

for what we deal with each

day is far worse than anything

affecting you...  I left them

and was curious about what

they had said all day long.

8.

what I lack is the ability

to think that I can survive

without you...  you know

this and use it against me.

9.

I need to start doing what

I want to do, rather than

feel like I have to do what

you want to do all the time

or else you will leave me.

10.

I have done most anything

to keey from being alone

and resented it...  while

those around me took it as

a weakness, using that fear

to their advantage, especially

this woman I am with now.

April 1999 - page 3

1.

we are so distant with each other

we just don't seem to care anymore,

while we may sleep close in bed,

during the day there is a sense of

careful alienation and an attitude

of indifference in everything we do.

2.

I am sure that you are feeling

what I am feeling and are looking

around like you did before in search

of someone to take you away while

in the meantime you play the game

and have secret meetings to check

out the available men at work.

3.

when did you start seeing other men?

it is funny in a way because had we both

put as much effort into each other as we

do into maintaining our distance and

not wanting to be controlledk then there

would have been not affairs on either side;

but, you cannot seem to commit to one

person for very long because of your

desire to search for security while at

the same time you make sure the man

with whom you are with knows that

you are not owned by him and if you

want to look around and check out

something potentially better that you

will and he must accept that fate.

4.

my weeks are now split between two jobs

neither of them at this point in time are

really permanent...  however, one is moreso

than the other and I am fortunate that I have

these two incomes because it would appear

I am financially covered for a couple of years.

5.

I have nothing to fear except

the fear already present inside

me...  I have nothing to do except

to master that which has been

controlling me all along my life.

6.

light is beginning to fall all around me,

opening up the day for all of us,

the inside light swings back and forth

pushed by the breeze coming in

through the open window...  my thoughts

hide the meaning of life from me

as I attempt to accept what it is...  

longing for purpose and direction but

receiving neither...  rain gently falls

on my newly seeded lawn...  I am

pleased and looking forward to what

I will have once the straw disappears,

I am willing moreso than ever before

to give this life another try for you.

7.

I wonder how I am feeling or

should be feeling or would be

feeling if I thought the pills

were working...  yet, there is

a change in my attitude and

behavior although I am not

sure that it may just be paying

attention to all of this now.

8.

four months into the year

the last one of this century

as well as of this decade

and I am a little closer to

that which I seek if that

which I am doing is what

will eventually get me there.

9.

we sleep side by side

we eat side by side

when we are home

together we work in

the yard side by side

and shop side by side,

we are not close at all

since there is a little

in us that's missing.

10.

it would appear that I can put

down my thoughts quite easily

when they are negative and 

have trouble when they atre

positive...  how wrong and

curious my focus has been.

April 1999 - page 2

1.

I have uncertainty with my mental state,

I have uncertainty with my marriage,

I have uncertainty with the work I do

and in what I am learning to do...

I have uncertainty in my future retierment,

I have uncertainty with my family,

I have uncertainty with liking myself

and in finding our what I want to do,

I have uncertainty in the way I think or 

act even with what I want to say...

I have uncertainty in my religious beliefs

and in my own faith and in my purpose,

I have uncertainty in my love life and

in my greadually declining sexual desires,

I have uncertainty in all that I do or

think and yet I know I still must survive.

2.

can you just fly me up to new york city,

can you show me the sights and sounds,

will you let me stay in your house and

mingle with all of your weathly friends,

will you provide the respite I need to

clear my head and formulate my plan,

will you help me retrieve my dignity,

will you coach and guide me into  this

brave new world where I don't belong,

can you just fly me, just me, up to

new york city and let me taste what it

feels like to be free...   is it too much to

ask for this morning as I drink my coffee

or am I just feeling sorry for myself and

trying to run away froom all my problems?

3.

I want to use this year...  this last year

in the century to reflect upon my life

and see if I may understand what my

life has been about all these years or

not been about...  and, teach myself

to unlearn the bad or good habits that

I used to get me here...  to this place

where I am today...   I want to use

this year for that...  but I keep getting

side-tracked by the presence to whom

I am attracted and from whom I must

finally break free and acquire the 

taste to take responsibility fro my own

happiness...  when...  after all it is or was

(soon to be that is) my nature not to

think I deserved any of this...  forcing

me to always draw upon another.

4.
my mind is a lonely place

for me these days finally

seeing that while I may\

have had talents, I never

developed any of them,

consequently finding

myself beyond middle age

with a bunch of dreams

and mediocre abilities.

5.

how do I find myself

how do I search for that

which never was?

how do I begin to imagine

the career to pursue

at this age?

how do I compete with

males and females

half my age and who

are much more gifted

that I ever was and

who decided not to 

waste it like I did?

6.

I sleep alone

I think alone

I dream alone

I exercise alone

I take showers alone

I have sex alone

I am depressed alone

I am never happy

mostly sad...

wishing.

always wishing...

for what I think I want

to come to me

rather than 

making it happen,

I alone

control my life

my destiny...

I alone

pilot the ship

in which

I am aboard,

there is no one to

help me

not even god

since

soul searching is

an individual thing

to do which

is why I am

always alone.

7.

I cannot by hook or crook

find out what it is I want

out of life and where it is

these next few years I am

going...  and, who it is that

will accompany me or

not aaccompany there...

and if...  this journey I

must take must also be

accomplished on my own.

8.

everything I try to earn

falls short of my grasp

and yet, I keep trying,

oftentimes more strenuously

than before until my outlook

takes on its bitter attitude

making everything worse.

9.
she sleeps in another bed soundly

as she conveys immunity to my

apprehensions and fears that come

from not being the one with whom

before she had first fallen in love.

10.

If she wants to go I wish she would

because I believe that would be easier

for us than if she remains close by,

teasing and tormenting just to make

sure that I am really missing her.

April 1999 - page 1

1.

unhappiness follows me and those around me

it is not always my fault but other say it is,

we are left to ourselves... alone, looking for

anything to occupy our time and keep us

from seeing each other and when we do come

home, it is silence and alienation, ever increasing

the need to find ways to stay away more...

there is a fear in me that no way out exists and

we will remain in this lifestyle until forever.

2.

this is a day for jokes

for some reason, and

we know it all too well

but for some it is a time

to let a friend know

that you are open to

his advances and to

begin a new affair soon.

3.

your anger towards me

grows each day because

you look for ways to satisgy

and please yourself...

rather than seek out ways

to draw closer to your mate

through another compromise.

4.

your actions show me you care

more about yourself that you

carre about us...  even when our

relationship is good...  all this

does is reinforce what I already

thought and that is you never

did care too much about me,

I was just another escape.

5.
I don't know if you have another

lover or not...  or if you are baiting

the trap for soemone you have in mind,

but... what I do know is that while

your feeling are decresasing for me

because of what I have done or said,

mine too are decreasing for you as

a result of all this constant retaliation.

 

6.

each night we sleep in separate beds

and each day we go our separate ways

and each nigh when we return we keep

our thoughts and feeling away from

each other but remain in this state of

marriage because we have to while

we look for ways to be removed.

7.
I wish I could fina a mate that

would be perfect for me as I

would be perfect for her...

with neither of us trying to

control the other person because

their actions have made us

feel uncomfortable or even

worse made us feel insecure.

8.

there is no point to plan

a future for you and I at

this point-in-time...  I

must think only of myself

and what I want to do inside,

it is a pity that our conflicting

personalities have caused

this situation to occur.

9.

I should not tell you what to do

because I don't like it and you

should not do the same to me,

so, we both are quilty of that

if either of us could admit it;

what we really should do is

let the other person do whatever

it is that they want to do while

keeping our control to ourselves,

and then...  if we don't like

what the other one does then

we should just get up and leavc.

10.

these days have been

rough on both of us,

they seem to be getting

worse instead of better;

if there is progress, it can

quickly relapse into 

how it was all before...

but the sad thing about

it all is that my feelings

are numb and I just don't

seem to care anymore.

March 1999 - page 5

1.

you say you want to

make love to me but

you just lay there

while I caress you,

offering nothing in return

not even body movement

to show my stimulation;

then after a while when

you think I have had enouth

your turn to fact me

expecting me to be hard

and when I am not

you get made and say I am

doing it all on purpose.

2.

I look at the life I have

and realize that we are

much alike in a negative

way to ever get along

in a positive way and

se see in each other

what we don't like

in ourselves and this is

no way to have a union.

3.

it is time for me

to take control of

my life and do with it

what I will, rather

than continue to live

in an environment

that offers me no

compassion or

support in anything

that I choose to do.

4.

these mornings when I 

arrive late, the darkness

has gone and there is

more movement than I

would care to see now.

5. 

a present for my daughter's

wedding is not asn easy

thisg for me to realizew as

I want it to be something

that is special to bothe of us.

6.

I am witness to my

own futile existence

and I see no way to

correct the situation at

this moment in time.

7.

a peculiar feeling

cascades over this

house...  an uneasiness,

a warning of bad times to come...

there is a peculiar sense

of foreboding here

that is constantly endured,

and all that passes is the

beginning of th/e end.

8.

I am a traveler

with no destination

and no previous location

just a lonely man

who is searching for 

what is within.

9.

yesterday her attitude towards

me changed and today she takes

her rings off so as not to damage them,

in her purse for later...  but she

wanted me to have them so I

would not think that anything

was wrong and maybe that is

why her attitude changed.

10.

I am in this alone and it does

not matter how many pills I

take or how many therapy

sessions I have...  the fact

remains that I am in this alone

and I don't believe that my

wife will ever be trusted again.