April 1999 - page 4

1.

there are ninety more minutes

before I must leave,

ninety minutes to put these words

and more on paper,

I see that these minutes don't seem

long enough for what I must do,

but for me, these ninety minutes

could actually last forever.

2.

I don't appear too motivated,

I don't appear too happy,

I don't appear not so depressed,

I don't appear less anxious

or less worried but I do appear

a little calmer than before.

3.

rent goes down by about as much

as my car payment goes up,

give or take, so I should be pleased

that nothing has changed, but I

don't want to break even I

really want to get ahead of it all.

4.

doctor...  doctor... everywhere

how come you charge such high fees?

patient...  patient...  everywhere

how come you get so sick?

it doesn't matter what you have

because in the end everyone goes.

5.

I had one dream maybe two last night

but I cannot remember either...  I had

one argument maybe two last week

but I cannot remember either...  no need

to worry my friend because what what

we have is more that what you want

to know or see...  it is spiritual and

metaphysical...  it is an awakening that

manifests itself inside our feelings and

inside what we believe to be the truth...

I had an experience maybe two yesterday

and both of them changed my life.

6.

I have a need to be cared for and loved

and babied but it is difficult for me to

return those favors...   I have a need or

desire not to be alone but what I do

lays the foundation for that to happen.

7.

put yourself in my shoes,

I say to them...  before you

criticize and they said glady

for what we deal with each

day is far worse than anything

affecting you...  I left them

and was curious about what

they had said all day long.

8.

what I lack is the ability

to think that I can survive

without you...  you know

this and use it against me.

9.

I need to start doing what

I want to do, rather than

feel like I have to do what

you want to do all the time

or else you will leave me.

10.

I have done most anything

to keey from being alone

and resented it...  while

those around me took it as

a weakness, using that fear

to their advantage, especially

this woman I am with now.