May 1999 - page 4

1.

if she is serious about how she feels

then she will call a real estate agent

and put our house up for sale today.

2.

I am not the same man that you knew before

althought I am confident you think that I am,

and I may exhibit some similar characteristics

but my focus and determintation is different,

as well as my willingness to look at and change

those internal feelings that have affected my

behavior for many years...  and if, you try to

measure what you think I will do based upon

how I have been in the past, then you will be

basing your actions on the insecurities of your

own false assumptions and will be forcing 

yourself whether you realize it or not to finally

take responsibility for your actions, rather than

finding a way to blame everything that you do

on someone else, and this alone will ease the

pain I have endured all those years living here.

3.

even in divorce you expect me to

take care of you until you are settled

and it is the nerve of your position

that angers me because you feel you

deserve more than you are entitled.

4.

I will not let myself be controlled by you

or pulled down to your level anymore...

my life changed ever since I have become

involved with you and I want more than

anything else to have my old life back...

and I am mentally prepared to do just that.

5.

I have no anger towards you

just disappointment and

perhaps that should be directed

more towards me than you...

who knows but what does 

matter is being able to see that

and consequently being able

to do something about it which

is what I plan to do tomorrow.

6.

it is weird how I use this time

to write down things that I

think or feel, realizing that no

one...  not even myself...  will

ever read them and knowing

that makes my writing anymore

like a complete waste of time.

7.

I came here for a little quiet time

to collect my thoughts and for the

most part...  this is what I find, but,

every once in a while a bus load

of refugees with their mothers

come in and disrupt my concentration

and all my points of view are distorted.

8.

I refuse to let myself be intimidated

by people and events outside of my

control...  yet, those words are easily

said since that is exactly what I do.

9.
I see you in my dreams

my fantasy woman

my friend

my lover

my partner

but you are as illusive

in reality as you

are in this dream.

10.

I weant to have what everyone

elses takes for granted and I

know that one day, it will all

come my way as long as my

patience continues and my

belief in what I am doing is

as strong as is my faith in it.