Monday, August 23, 2021

May 1999 - page 3

1.
my heart belongs to no one
and it should...  and, I should
have my life in order but I
do not...  and, I seem to be
measuring myself against
what I feel someone else
thinks I should be doing.

2.
I want someone to
love and trust and to care for
but it is not here.

3.
I will be on my own soon
and so will you and I am
sure you will prefer it and
will make all attempts to
return to your birthplace;
but be aware that getting
what you want is not
always what you thought 
you wanted before then.

4.
we spend more time keeping
apart and not talking than we
do the opposite...  and when
we are getting along we are
careful with what we say and
the realtionship seems strained
at best and there seems very
little reason to continue yet
we always continue to do so.

5.
the old men talk about how
they had all these affairs with
married women when they
were only a few years younger.

6.
my life is better than it was but
not as good as it could be...  and,
the only way I will get where I
need to be is with the help of my
friends and family...  and, by 
realizing I need to live life as
best as I can on my own instead.

7.
she believes that she has caught me
at something...  but, she is not sure
what it is yet...  she is acting as if she
has and I can only imagine the ways
in which she will try to find out...
and try to repay me...  and as I begin
to endure the madness, I recall her
saying she is not vindictive...  but,
if I were to bring this to her attention,
I am sure she would say that she
was really not that way before me
or that she learned that from me...
in either case, she is avoiding me
and taking responsibility for her own
actions or lack of the same it seems.

8.
I see that in order for me to grow,
I must rise above the need to be
with you and learn to live on my
own...  paying bills, clearning the 
house, doing laundry, shopping,
and cooking...  most of which I
am already doing but most
importantly I must learn to find
new ways to entertain myself and
that will be an interesting opportunity.

9.
each of us must take a stand for
that in which we believe or think
that we do...  even if, we are wrong
and learn to live with the outcomes
of our thoughts and of our actions.

10.
the air cools my senses
too much so and I begin
to think I would be better
off if I left to return to 
the warmth of the south.


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