the last year of the deacade
has finally started
to end that decade I believe
would be a blessing,
a decade that has been riddled
by the short sighted
with two failed marriages
four lost jobs and a
business venture that taught me
a forty thousand dollar lesson,
and as I write these words
it is difficult to view myself
any other way but as a failure
or in the very best light
as not making wise choices,
and yet, it is from this
pattern of disappointments
and self incriminations
that I must find the courage
and the strength to use
God as my witness and
ask for help to put the past
behind me and find the right
parh of recovery that will
take me into the future and
prepare me for the millenium.
2.
it is a good thing
to know that
you are not with me
early in a marriage
becasue if you run
away now you will
do it again and the
next ime may be at
a more critical time,
the words say,
"for better or worse"
and it is a serious
obligation to agree to
those terms, but for
some it is a light
hearted provmise
that can only be
supported when the
former is occuring.
3.
time heals all wounds
it is said
and for the most part
that is true...
but the emotional scars
may never heal
as they are taken from one
to another so
that only shor term romances
will result.
4.
my attitude at fifty one
could stand improving
and on more than one ocassion
I have allowed my emotional
fears to be my guide, but,
each experience
supports mistrust and
apprehensions and that results
in more of the same...
this enlightenment would change
their actions and behaviors
but for me, it supports
more of the same, and I know,
that without faith
and a silling suspension
of this present attitude that
my life will always be the same.
5.
I came so far
and then
I fell... and,
while falling
I found out
that life is about
where I land.
6.
I have felt what it is like
to receive unbridled passion
and what it is like to feel
as barren and as empty as
all the deserts of the world;
I know what it is like to be
in command and be commanded,
and what it is like to have one's
self respect and self esteem removed,
I know what it is like to be
truly love and how fragile
that love is and how easily
it can be removed or withheld
and that it results from
self presevation... an instinct
that God put in all of us to survive,
I know what it is like to
encourage people at all ages
to learn new ideas and
can find my rewards from
the smiles on their faces,
I know what it is like to be
forgiven and that family
will always have a room for me
and that those that don't were
meant to send me on my way
to fulfill my latent destin.
I am in a limbo zone
of profound thought,
my words are mixed with
neither good nor bad ideas
but have an air of maturity
and acceptance to them
and unquiet peace that
has been absent for years.
8.
do I look back
on this time with you
and lament
because it was not like
what either of us
thought it would be
and affix blame
in the hopes of somehow
easing the pain
by admitting it
was not my fault...
or do I look forward
to a time where
I will encounter
all the dreams
of my youth and
find my happiness?
9.
I was seduced
by the pleasures
that you offered me
and tried to hold onto
those too tighly,
and now I know that
the pleasure
I felt had been
inside me all the
time, just waiting
to be released.
10.
"I have come a long way."
said one traveler to another
"and I have experienced much,"
when the other traveler said,
"I too have traveled far but unlike you,
have experienced very little,"
the first traveler responded,
"then you need to stay at home more
until you learn what to look for,"
the reply came quickly,
"I have no home."
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