deeper and deeper into this
hole I sink knowing that I
should care but it is not
there and all I hear from
the spouse are negative
statements about all I do
wrong and I wonder why
I let myself back into this
situation when clearly it
should have been avoided;
deeper and deeper I sink
as I continue to be influenced
by your comments not
wanting to believe in their
accuracy but also realizing
that there might be some
truth to them... yet, hoping
that you would change and
offer me the support I need
to get through this while at
the same time seeing that I
must do this alone because
you are not the partner I need.
2.
I want to find someone
on which I can rely but
first I muyst learn to live
on my own and learn to
create my own happiness;
I want to find someone
with whom I can be happy
and when the time comes
I will jnow but until then
I must live alone inside.
3.
ninety nine will be a year
of transition for me... leaving
one field and entering another,
as well as learning to deal
with the evil inside that
doctors refers to as mental
illness and I see it as a
handicap that has cost me my
life and hurt those around me.
4.
this month the medicine
kicked in and I don't feel
much like doing anything,
and the feeling I have inside
are still there as well as my
anger and losing my temper
but the intensity of these
actions is some diminished.
5.
unto these hills I march myself
into a constant battle with my
mental estate... I don't seem to
care for those around me, seeing
as a restriction to my growth and
improvement but at the same time
dependant upon them for a sense
of security that seems to be false;
and if that is true then why do I
persist in wanting to keep them
in an orbit around my mentality?
6.
I tell you this to let you know
my mental outlook and the
stress under which I must live,
but also to have empathy with
me and see me as a victim
because no one else in my
wants to see me that way.
7.
I cannot make the best of this,
there is nothing from which to work;
I cannot reach a compromise if
the other person does not want
to budge... yet, she is right that
there is some control issued by me
in the hopes I can hold onto her
for some reason knowing is is
wrong and that she is a bad
influence on my behavior.
I have what I think I need
but have nothing in common
except a weakness to have
relationships that make me
feel bad inside and towards
myself... perpetuating the
self-destructive nature on
which my life has survived.
9.
I want to write a poem
for my daughter but
cannot seem to get a
handle on the motivation
to do so... and, wonder
if it is more like not wanting
to let her down or write
something that embarasses.
10.
I am surrounded by the dark
and hesitate... but for what?
I do not know and I am
mesmerized and paralyzed
from what... I do not know?
I need no sleep nor sustanance
of any kind... I need only to
find the courage to step through
the door and into another life..
I am surrounded by fantasy and
illusions living inside my life
as a lie... but I am also frought
with an innocence that leaves
vulnerable inside... easily picked
up on by others who need my
surrender for them to survive.
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