April 1999 - page 2

1.

I have uncertainty with my mental state,

I have uncertainty with my marriage,

I have uncertainty with the work I do

and in what I am learning to do...

I have uncertainty in my future retierment,

I have uncertainty with my family,

I have uncertainty with liking myself

and in finding our what I want to do,

I have uncertainty in the way I think or 

act even with what I want to say...

I have uncertainty in my religious beliefs

and in my own faith and in my purpose,

I have uncertainty in my love life and

in my greadually declining sexual desires,

I have uncertainty in all that I do or

think and yet I know I still must survive.

2.

can you just fly me up to new york city,

can you show me the sights and sounds,

will you let me stay in your house and

mingle with all of your weathly friends,

will you provide the respite I need to

clear my head and formulate my plan,

will you help me retrieve my dignity,

will you coach and guide me into  this

brave new world where I don't belong,

can you just fly me, just me, up to

new york city and let me taste what it

feels like to be free...   is it too much to

ask for this morning as I drink my coffee

or am I just feeling sorry for myself and

trying to run away froom all my problems?

3.

I want to use this year...  this last year

in the century to reflect upon my life

and see if I may understand what my

life has been about all these years or

not been about...  and, teach myself

to unlearn the bad or good habits that

I used to get me here...  to this place

where I am today...   I want to use

this year for that...  but I keep getting

side-tracked by the presence to whom

I am attracted and from whom I must

finally break free and acquire the 

taste to take responsibility fro my own

happiness...  when...  after all it is or was

(soon to be that is) my nature not to

think I deserved any of this...  forcing

me to always draw upon another.

4.
my mind is a lonely place

for me these days finally

seeing that while I may\

have had talents, I never

developed any of them,

consequently finding

myself beyond middle age

with a bunch of dreams

and mediocre abilities.

5.

how do I find myself

how do I search for that

which never was?

how do I begin to imagine

the career to pursue

at this age?

how do I compete with

males and females

half my age and who

are much more gifted

that I ever was and

who decided not to 

waste it like I did?

6.

I sleep alone

I think alone

I dream alone

I exercise alone

I take showers alone

I have sex alone

I am depressed alone

I am never happy

mostly sad...

wishing.

always wishing...

for what I think I want

to come to me

rather than 

making it happen,

I alone

control my life

my destiny...

I alone

pilot the ship

in which

I am aboard,

there is no one to

help me

not even god

since

soul searching is

an individual thing

to do which

is why I am

always alone.

7.

I cannot by hook or crook

find out what it is I want

out of life and where it is

these next few years I am

going...  and, who it is that

will accompany me or

not aaccompany there...

and if...  this journey I

must take must also be

accomplished on my own.

8.

everything I try to earn

falls short of my grasp

and yet, I keep trying,

oftentimes more strenuously

than before until my outlook

takes on its bitter attitude

making everything worse.

9.
she sleeps in another bed soundly

as she conveys immunity to my

apprehensions and fears that come

from not being the one with whom

before she had first fallen in love.

10.

If she wants to go I wish she would

because I believe that would be easier

for us than if she remains close by,

teasing and tormenting just to make

sure that I am really missing her.